EARTH IS FINALLY OUT OF GAS
Ecologists and Environmentalists alike have gotten their
wish today as pump 471 the last working petroleum pump ran dry. "Who of thought we'd ever see this happen?" stated the
pump foreman Bob McDermott. "It is my sad duty to declare this day, July 17, 2125, as the day the Earth officially ran
out of gas."
This reporter watched in awe and disbelief as the once mighty
pump 471 stood idle, a mere icon of a past glory in human history. "The well has run dry, it's as simple as that and
there isn't anymore oil to be found anywhere." Stated Foreman McDermott. When asked about starting mass panic
and hysteria throughout the world, he responded. "Reserves are high enough to keep them all going for a few more months
but beyond that... Let's just say the mass panic would be inevitable."
POLL: Now that the reserves are being tapped will YOU make changes to
your daily lives to reduce fuel consumption?
July 18, 2125
Tensions build at pump 471
On July 17, 2125 the mighty oil pump 471 ceased up after
the well beneath it went dry. Similar stories worldwide have already occurred in recent months and now oil workers and
their unions are engaging in legal battles over the balance of their work contracts.
"This was supposed to be a five year job," said foreman
McDermott, "Now it's been cut down to mere six months."
The question of who is at fault for this gigantic oversight
and poor estimate as to how much oil was down there is on the minds of union representatives and lawyers alike. According
to one union rep. the oil companies are obliged to pay out the full contracts to all workers, a sum exceeding two-hundred
billion dollars. These contracts were agreed to by all parties involved.
Sally Greene, spokesperson for Worldco. oil declined comment
this morning on the issue.
"We did our part," says Foreman Bob, "And for the money
the they offered we will continue to work out the full terms of our contract. It's not our fault that all the oil is
gone."
Oil rig workers stranded on offshore derrick
July 19, 2125
Day 3 of the pump 471 crisis and the situation here is growing
tense. For the last three hours the oil rig workers have gathered around a portable computer and watched helplessly
as their union brothers and sisters pled for their rescue from offshore derrick 712.
"It's like they are abandoned there," says foreman Bob McDermott,
"And all we can do is watch."
The web-cam feed from offshore derrick 712 has been on steady
since the signal finally got through to the oil workers. They have also relayed the s.o.s. to the coast guard rescue
teams in hopes that they will able to reach them on time.
"They were scheduled to be relieved of duty when their well
ran dry, that was three weeks ago." said foreman Bob.
Severe weather on the Atlantic has hampered efforts to evacuate
the workers and thus caused the situation. The offshore crew is quickly running out of supplies and fresh water.
No storms are expected to arise in the near future and attempts
to rescue the offshore workers will continue.
Self proclaimed Jesus makes profits in gas line-up
Rex Rodgers for Action12 news. July 20, 2125
In a bizarre twist of irony a worldco. gas station, run by the largest petroleum
company in the world has completely run dry of gasoline.
"It's crazy," says gas station attendant Willie, "They started lining up at six
this morning and they won't leave."
At around eight AM motorists began showing their irritation by honking their horns
and shouting which immediately escalated into acts of physical violence. Then a strange, bald man who proclaimed himself
as Jesus began to calm down the crowd by selling them his little white pills that he calls 'Purple Peace'.
"peace unto all mankind," he repeated in a calming voice as he sold the pills and
one by one the motorists became very sedate and returned calmly to their cars.
"I got my pill," says Willie, "Best ten bucks I ever spent." He stares quietly
into oblivion as citizens shoplift everything that is not nailed down around him. "It doesn't matter anymore," he moans
softly, "We're all screwed."
Apparent optimism on behalf of the Worldco. oil executives who claimed they had
enough petrolfuel in reserve for three months. What they did not tell us was who that reserve was for. It is now
known that the precious gasoline was sold to the highest bidder for an undisclosed amount of cash.
"It's capitalism at its finest," Comments Sally Greene, spokesperson for Worldco.
oil.
worlco. oil under federal investigation
July 22, 2125
Government officials declared today that Worldco. Oil will be facing a Grand Jury indictment
and could be charged with multiple counts of terrorism and possibly treason.
"This company had an obligation to the American people to provide the U.S. armed
forces with the last of the world's supply of available petroleum." Stated Senator Conroy Wood(R).
A full investigation is being immediately launched into what some Americans consider
to be a criminal act against homeland security.
"In the name of defending our great nation, it gives me great pain to immediately
enact the newly drafted Current Petroleum reserves conservation act." Stated President Davis in his speech this afternoon.
The Current Petroleum Reserves Conservation act prohibits the retail trade
of any existing gasoline in the country. It was designed to allot fuel specifically for military purposes and all civil
emergency service vehicles.
"We can't have our fine cities burn to the ground on account of this crisis." Stated
President Davis.
"Our fine men and women in the Reserves and on local police forces and fire departments
will continue to protect and serve the U.S. to the best of their ability, provided we give them the resources to do so."
Effective immediately, all gas stations are to stop the retail transfer of gasoline
that remains in their tanks. Any business illegally selling petro-fuel will will be fined up to a Million dollars and
the attendants responsible could face a twenty year imprisonment.
"This is a very serious crisis," President Davis continued.
Oil shortage law evokes riots
July 23, 2125
In response to president Davis enacting the Current Petroleum Reserves conservation
Act, citizens across America are uprising into violent riots.
Anger flared up in many cities this morning as motorists mobbed and threatened
the very lives of innocent gas station attendants.
"These people just don't get it." Said a very concerned Janet Dix, owner
and manager of a Worldco. gas station. "I can't sell them gasoline, the Army is right there in the parking lot."
She points to a military jeep with five armed guards around it. The two of us have been basically trapped in here
all night as the mob outside persisted in their attempts to fill their tanks. Now, with almost no sleep, we sit and
watch the angry and zombie-like crowd. Ironically, the song 'Let the Good Times Roll' by The Cars (written
by Ric O'Casek) is playing on the radio. (Those DJ's Have a sense of irony)
"I have the dubious distinction of being the gas station that is nearest to the
army reserves base," explains Janet, "This means they'll protect the gasoline but not me, personally,"
The mob has been unsuccessfully trying to disassemble the gas pumps all night in
attempts to steal the precious gasoline. Now, in the light of dawn we can see the military personnel putting on their
gas masks. A puff of smoke and the tear gas is released, the once angry mob now scatters like flies. Inside the
convenience store Janet hands me a chamoise to breathe through, it helps slightly.
"It's bad enough I'm trapped in here because of them (the mob)" She states, "Now I gotta
deal with tear gas?" She fears that it is only a matter of time until they comandeer her gas station all together.
"It's my life's work," she sighs, "Not that really matters now but I still own the land and the building, I don't want to
lose everything."
Tempers flare as cities grind to a halt
July 24, 2125
Here on the interstate it is total gridlock this morning as lines of cars as far
as the eye can see have run out of gas. Tens of thousands of angry and anxious mototrists searching in desperation for
a way off the roads.
"This sucks!" exclaims Tom, "I drive an electric car so I won't run out of gas and on
the way to work I get stuck behind people who, guess what? ran out of gas." He honks his horn to emphasize his complaint
as he blurts out expletives to the drivers of the SUV's around him.
And if being stuck in traffic is not bad enough, local police are now E-mailing
tickets to drivers guilty of parking violations.
"It's the motorists responsibility to park their cars in a safe and legal manner."
Explains officer Jan Whyte, "Gas or no gas, we can't have our highways and streets blocked up like this."
Trying to get someone to help push your vehicle is virtually impossible as drivers
somehow stare blankly into space, transfixed and confounded by the fact that they are completely out of gas.
"I don't know what I'm gonna do," states a confused and panicky motorist, "I have
to commute to work, I have to pay my mortgage and support my family..."
It's an all too familiar lament from the drivers as they simply give up their vehicles
and take to walking to the office.
"It's another five miles," one woman complains, "I'll never make it on time."
The panic and tempers have risen to a highpoint as this reporter watches the mass exodus
of newfound pedestrians as they begin their walk to their respective destinations. It is a surreal experience to say
the least as I take in the very beginning of this human drama.
Insurance companies collapse due to oil crisis
July 25, 2125
Insurance companies are now facing the brunt of this worldwide crisis situation.
"It's impossible," says Arco Insurance representative Fred Richards, "We cannot begin to pay out all the claims that have
flooded our offices since the world ran out of oil."
He goes on to show examples of every retail outlet making claims of damages that
resulted from nationwide looting. Then he shows us the piles of "regular" claims that were made from other citizens.
"Now they (motorists) want rebates for the car insurance they say they'll never use because there is no gas left."
The demands on the insurance companies are bad enough but as if to add insult to
injury, less than one quarter of the employees actually made it to the office today. "They all called in and said they
can't make the commute." Explains Fred, "Stuck in traffic in the terminal sense. The whole world has gone crazy."
It goes without saying that many a legal inquiry will be instigated as a result
of the insurance companies decisions to cancel all policies. "Provided anybody can make it to the courtroom, we'll just
have to wait and see how this plays out." Says Mr. Richards.
Cornfields become battlefields as starving millions look for food
July 26, 2125
Farmers across North America are reporting massive theft and crop destruction as
millions of hungry people invade and pillage their land.
"Damn city folk!" Exclaims Luke, a farmer in Kansas, "Crops aren't grown yet and
already they destroyed over twenty acres and that's just my land." He points up and down the highway and we see many
fields desecrated and plundered.
Perhaps the hungry masses are fearful of the newly passed 'Energy usage' bill that
allots all forms of energy to be diverted to military applications for homeland security.
"This includes ethanol!" Explains Zeke (not his real name) a hungry man who was
recently made homeless in this global crisis, "Those rich bastards have taken everything since I can remember. Screw
'em. Now it's every man for himself."
He explains this as he grabs armfuls of corn, "This corn can feed us all if we
use properly, as a food source. They want to make it into ethanol so they can continue to impose their views on us."
The panicky masses continue to pillage as an army tank appears on the horizon and,
ironically, runs out of gas. The sound of an incoming shell soon follows, resulting in an explosion less than a quarter
mile away. The screaming of the wounded pierce through the countryside as farmer Luke stands silent. He is dumbfounded
by all the destruction as many people scatter for cover.
"This is insane!" cries an injured woman, "All the stores in town are empty and
we need food. We can't just 'go to the supermarket' anymore."
Stock market plunges
July 27, 2125
"It's an obvious lack of foresight on the part of the world's citizens," Explains
stock analyst Alan Sayer. "If we had all converted to hydrogen energy a century ago then this whole thing could have
been prevented."
Lack of productivity, heavy losses at the retail level and rapidly devaluating
world currency all amount to a stock market crash worse than the one that started the depression of the 1930's.
With no gasoline left, every kind of vehicle that required fossil fuel is now completely
useless. Businesses from car dealerships to trucking companies are now defunct and a mere image of our past.
"Maybe we rediscover how to build tallships and large sailing vessels," jokes Alan,
"Until then, the oceans are going to awfully quiet."
Ofices of stock traders on wallstreet sit idle today trading on the NYSE has pretty
much ceased. "There's nothing we can do," says Alan, "Nobody is willing to buy and we're all watching the world situation
to decide on our next move."
NASA formulates plan to save us
July 28, 2125
Scientists at NASA are putting together a 'practical' scheme to help human beings
cope with the global energy crisis. "We're crunching the numbers and it is looking promising," says Dr. Winston Li,
a physicist with the administration. "The plan itself is fairly simple and will net us enough energy to keep us going.
We can't go into too much detail right now but we can say it involves hydrogen. Ethanol and biofuels will only lead
to massive starvation in a world that is already facing a food shortage."
Specifics on the plan were not revealed to us at press time.
...Now we may begin.
ESPIAL copyright James Janos 2007
Scene: Prison cell. A lone man sits waiting as a guard approaches.
Guard: Maxwell Bishop. (Opens cell and hits Maxwell in the head, knocking him out.)
Black screen slowly lightens as Maxwell awakens. He is in handuffs.
The room is now a larger meeting area filled with ten other prisoners who are all in restraints.
Guard: Well, well... Finally decided to join us I see.
Maxwell: What's going on? (Slowly sits up)
(Other prisoners wake up and deliver random curses)
Guard: (Waits for silence) How many of you want to get out of prison? Come
on, raise your hands.
(Prisoners shrug shoulders at his sarcastic humour)
Guard: What? No hands up? Okay then, just nod your heads.
(All nod)
Guard: Good. You're all volunteers in the new 'Save the world strategy' to reclaim energy
for all mankind. You see, the Government has some kind of plan to send all you boys 'up there'.
Maxwell: There?
Guard: Up there! In Space muther f@#cker!! You're all going to Delta bel-air. It sure sounds nice to me. A home in the stars, steady nine to five
job, serving your fellow man in our hour of need. Hell, you sorry ass son of bitches might even redeem yourselfs.
Maxwell: Doing what?
Guard: Helping out with our energy crisis.
Maxwell: Wait, whoah... I just got here, I haven't even talked to my lawyer
yet. I'm not even supposed to be here.
Guard: Oh, but you are, Maxwell. You were looting.
Maxwell: It was riot, everyone was looting.
Guard: But not everyone was stupid enough to get caught now were they?
Maxwell: Guess not.
(Knocking at the door. Guard walks over and opens it, letting other guards
in.)
Guard: These fine gentlemen are going to escort you to the shuttles.
(Guards begin getting prisoners in line and filing them out in an orderly fashion.)
Scene: Maxwell and prisoners are awaiting their departure at a NASA appointed terminal.
Outside the window we see seven space shuttles in the distance.
Big Kahuna: (one of the prisoners looking out the window) Seven, just like
the seals of the apocalypse.
Maxwell: Yeah, this is an excellent time for religion.
Prisoner 1: This is bullshit, I want to talk to my lawyer.
Guard: Your lawyer? You boys don't get it, do you? Money don't mean
shit anymore, that means nobody works, meaning lawyers don't work and that makes your ass worthless.
Maxwell: (To Guard) You're working.
Guard: I am what you might call 'a bully'. (Knocks out Maxwell with his club)
I take pleasure in hurting you. Who else wants me to feel good about myself?
(Prisoners stand silent)
Enter a scientist in a lab coat: Okay, we're ready.
(Prisoners are led into an ajoining room, Maxwell gets dragged by the Guard.)
Big Kahuna:(looking over the crowd of prisoners) How many of us are going?
Woman scientist: (helping Big Kahuna get into a spacesuit) About a hundred
of you for this trip, we'll send more later.
Big Kahuna: Before you zip this thing, you wanna give me a parting gift?
Woman scientist: I only give gifts at christmas.
Big Kahuna: So, call me Santa Clause.
Woman scientist:(standing up and looking him in the eye) How about I shove a reindeer
up your ass?
Big Kahuna:( intrigued) You'd do that?
Woman scientist: Move on, miner.(points to loading dock)
Scene: onboard the shuttle cargo bay, it is modified to hold human passengers in
individual freezing chambers. As prisoners get placed into their respective chambers Maxwell comes to.
Maxwell:(looking around) So, where's the robot?
Big Kahuna: You mean the one who's gonna sabotage everything and kill us?
Maxwell: Yeah, him.
Big Kahuna: Well friend, I;m afraid we ain't that lucky. (Guard injects Big Kahuna
with anesthetic and watches him fall asleep.)
Maxwell: There must be some mistake, I can't do this...
Guard: 'Fraid to fly, Maxwell? Here, this will calm you down. (Gives him
a shot of anesthetic.) Say 'goodnight' Gracy.
(Maxwell falls asleep as all the tubes close and begin freezing procedure)
Scene: Inside the NASA terminal, three scientists are looking out the window.
Woman scientist: Are you sure the autopilots can safely transport them?
Scientist1: The pilots will come out of chryostesis shortly before they reach the
asteroid belt, it should work.
Woman scientist: It better work, I didn't put my kids into the best schools for
nothing.
Scientist 2: Amen to that. (Into walkie-talkie) Start the launch.
Scene: We watch as all seven spaceshuttles safely launch into space.
Scene: Space shuttles travel through the solar system.
Scene: Arrival at the asteroid belt. Two pilots awake from frozen hybernation
and prepare to dock with a large spacestation. We look out into space from inside their cockpit.
Pilot 2:Where did they get this?
Pilot 1: It's some old space station, ten years ago they released it from Earth's
orbit.
Pilot2:And it coincidentally drifted here?
Pilot 1: Autopilots navigated it here, nothing is done by coincidence.
Pilot 2: Docking complete. Airlock secure. God, I hope this stupid
plan works.
Pilot 1: If it does, you and I should be set for life.
Pilot 2: Damn rights. They think they can get us to risk our lives so THEY
can rule the world?
Pilot 1: Not a chance. (Gets out of his seat) C'mon, lets go wake up the workers.
(Pilot 2 gets up and Both pilots arm themselves with high-tech guns)
(Both pilots walk into the rear cargo hold and begin pushing buttons on two
freezing tubes)
Pilot 1: Wakey, wakey, ladies.
(Two pods begin to open and the prisoners awaken. The Pilots move
on to unlock other tubes.)
Prisoner 1: Damn, I gotta... Nevermind.
Prisoner 2: Oh, man that's nasty...
Prisoner 1: But it feels so good...
Prisoner 2: Ssshhhh... you'll spoil the moment... Ohhhh yeahhh.
(Big Kahuna wakes up) Damn! I'm glad I'm way down here.
Pilot 1: Walk this way, ladies, and don't try anything.
Maxwell: (waking up): Don't try anything? Were the F#@k are we?
Pilot 1: The asteroid belt. Welcome to Delta bel-air.
Prisoner 2: Hey, when you gonna take this shit off of us?
Pilot 2: When we're good and ready, move it.
(They march the prisoners through the air lock and into the spacestation.)
Big Kahuna: (Singing) Welll.. You get up in the morning...
Maxwell: (Joining in) You hear the work bell ring...
Big Kahuna: And they march you to the table...
Maxwell: You see the same ol' thing...
Pilot 1 and 2: SHUT-UP, the both you.
Prisoner 3: Ain't no food upon the table...
Big Kahuna: Ain't no fork up in the pan...
Maxwell: But you better not complain, boy...
PIlot 1:(Clubs Maxwell in the head) You get in trouble with the man.
Maxwell: (Whincing) Oooww... So much for harmony.
(Inside the spacestation all the prisoners from all seven shuttles get put in a
line and are being watched by fourteen pilots.)
Pilot 1: You will obey us. There is a a ZERO TOLERANCE policy for insubordination.
Pilot 2: If any of you get any ideas, we are equipped with special disintegration
guns.
Prisoner 1: Hey, I had one of those once.
Prisoner 2: What happened to it?
Prisoner 1: It disintegrated.
Pilot 1:(Clubs Prisoner 1 in the head) Don't go thinking you're something
special just because you're up here. We got a hundred more deadbeats like you on the way so remember, you are replaceable.
Prisoner 3: Ha, I get it, it disintegrated... Hey do those things even work?
(Pilot 2 aims and shoots Prisoner 3) You tell me.
Maxwell: Damn, that smells funky.
Pilot 2: (Turns to Maxwell) You want some?
Big Kahuna: Okay, hey, just chill okay... lets keep our cool. None
of us like being up here.
Pilot 1: Just so you boys know that we are in charge. Do as you're told and
we'll get through this.
(Pilots begin removing the prisoners protective spacesuits and restraints.)
Pilot 3: Shit! This one pissed himself.
Pilot 1: (looking at Maxwell) You go and help him.
Maxwell: You're lucky I got a headache.
Scene: Miners are getting out of their spacesuits and settling into their quarters
on the station. Maxwell, Big Kahuna are bunkmates.
Big Kahuna: So what are you in for? Me? I killed a man, but you?
I mean, some scrawny white boy must've done something to get into prison.
Maxwell: Looting.
Big Kahuna: So you're in all this mess for basically shoplifting?
Maxwell: Yep. I got hungry, my girlfriend got hungry, there was a riot goin'
on... Who's gonna catch us?
Big Kahuna: Apparently they did.
Maxwell: Apparently. You know, I used to be a businessman, I owned a business,
a small business, a little 'hole in the wall' place where I sold booze. I was doing really well too, until the 'Big
Box' store opened down the block. Then most of my customers went to the competition wanting to save money. All
I had left was the odd really old guy who was drunk and willing to pay anything for his next mickey.
Big Kahuna: And what was the name of your booze store?
Maxwell: 'The liquor hole.'
Big Kahuna: That's nasty.
Prisoner 1: The liquor hole? I know that place, I robbed you.
Maxwell: Was that you?
Prisoner 1: Shit yeah, July 4, 2123. I remember it well, My girlfriend wanted some
of that Malibu rum, you know because it was summer and all... Anyway, I gotta please my girlfriend so I pulled out my
gun and just started grabbin'. (Laughs a bit) I can confess to it all now because, well, look around, it don't
mean shit anymore. (Exit Prisoner 1)
Maxwell: He's right, I hate to say it but...
Big Kahuna: No. No he's not right. To say he's right is to say that all we
do is in vain and that ain't so. I like to think that my actions had a positive impact on society.
Maxwell: But you killed a guy?
Big Kahuna: The guy was a pimp. He was sending young girls in the street to make
himself rich. When my girlfriend told me her sister was in trouble, I just had to do something. The girl was fifteen
years old and this pimp made her the 'Freak of the week'. I couldn't just stand by and let that happen. No fuckin'
way.
Maxwell: So you got prison, what about her?
Big Kahuna: In the past ten long years she went to school and became a doctor.
She's helping all kinds of sick people now. My girlfriend kept me up to date in the letters she sent me. Always
talking about how happy her sister was, I did that and yeah it was worth it.
Maxwell: Amen to that, brother.
(Enter Pilot 2.): OKay, ladies orientation starts in two minutes.
(Big Kahuna and Maxwell look at each other and then join the other miners.)
Camera follows them as they all gather for the meeting. Pilots stand armed
and keeping an eye on the prisoners.
Pilot 1: All miners will be issued the following. One protective spacesuit,
one helmet, two oxygen tanks with three hours of air in total and one pickaxe.
Prisoner 4: Hi ho, hi ho, hi ho.
PIlot 4:(Clubs prisoner 4)
Pilot 1: Thank-you. You will take this seriously. What you are looking
for are glaciers of frozen hydrogen. Some of it will be found on the surface but the stuff we want is deep within the
rock.
Maxwell: Uh, question... Isn't hydrogen volatile? You know, explosive?
Pilot 1: Yes, yes it is. This is why you will use robots to gather the frozen
fuel.
Big Kahuna: (Quietly) Damn, I knew there were robots.
Pilot 2: What was that?
Big Kahuna: I said, yay for robots.
Pilot 1: Some of you smarter primates will be getting these. (Shows sensor
device) They're sensors they will detect any frozen hydrogen and tell you how thick the rock is until you reach it.
You will be responsible for getting the rock as thin as critically possible then send in the robots to do the rest.
Bishop, you look like a smart ass, here you are now responsible. (Tosses him the sensor)
Maxwell: (Catches the sensor and sneers.) Thanks. (Begins looking at it)
Hydrogen, Oxygen, Gold? Silver? I thought we were looking for fuel?
PIlot 1: You are, but who knows, you might get lucky.
Big Kahuna: And if we do find any of this gold and silver?
PIlot 1: You send in the robots and shut your f@ckin' mouth.
Prisoner 4: Whoah, this is bullshit. You think we're gonna risk our necks
to put gold in your pocket?!
Pilot 3:(Clubs him)
Pilot 1: Thank-you. You will do as you're told and remember, we are
in charge. (Pulls out his disintegration gun.)
(Other pilots do the same)
Maxwell: (Quiet reaction) F@ck...
Pilot 1: Alright, suit up and let's get goin'.
(Miners grab their spacesuits and equipment and begin getting ready.)
PIlot 2:(Speaking through space helmet) You two come with me. (Points at Maxwell
and Big Kahuna.)
Maxwell:(To Big Kahuna) This is all so surreal.
Big Kahuna: I know what you mean. (Both put on helmets) Let's go find this 'Genie'.
(They both follow the pilot and a few other miners)
Scene: Outside the space station we see special escape pods launch towards the
nearby asteroid belt.)
(Vocal overdub of Prisoner 4): R2, are you sure the princess is down there?
(Vocal overdub of Pilot 2): You're all gonna get such a clubbin'.
Scene: Escape pods land hard on the asteroid surface. They stay intact and
come to a stop. The asteroid is huge, about fifty miles in diameter. The prisoners disembark.)
Pilot 2: Move it, move it, we've only got a few hours.
Scene: Miners begin digging as other pods land around them and their initial pod
takes off back to the spacestation for more supplies.
Maxwell:(Begins digging then grabs a handful of asteroid) Wow, look at this...
Are these...?
Big Kahuna: (Looks at the shiny stones) Diamonds, too bad there aren't any girls
around.
Maxwell: I hear ya.
Scene: MIning continues as escape pods land and take-off bringing in more supplies.
Days pass and the mine begins to develop. The operation is going smoothly but tensions are building as they have not
found any hydrogen yet.
Scene: Inside the mine, Big Kahuna and Maxwell are surrounded by rock.
Pilot 2: (Speaking to Maxwell through his helmet.) Bishop, are you sure we're digging
in the right place?
Maxwell: (Through his helmet) Providing this sensor is working, (Shows pilot the
device) We should be getting closer. (The display shows the rock barrier getting thinner)
Pilot 2: Good, keep digging.(Exits)
Maxwell:(Hits the rock with his pick and notices some green slime oozing out of
it.) What the?
Big Kahuna: What is that?
Maxwell:(As ooze keeps flowing) I don't know, the sensor doesn't recognize it.
Big Kahuna: It's glowing. (They both frantically chip away at the rock wall to
find out what this stuff is and uncover the ancient remains of an alien body.) Oh Shit! It's an alien. A mutherf@cking fossil from another planet.
Maxwell: Do you have any idea how old this thing must be?
Big Kahuna: Old. Oh, Damn!
Maxwell: What?
Big Kahuna: My feet are burning.
Maxwell: Mine too but you don't hear me complaining.
(both look down to see that they are ankle deep in green slime)
Maxwell: Oh, shit...
Maxwell: Calm down, it might not be acidic. (looks down as he lifts his left foot
out of the slime. The space boot is corroded entirely and his foot is covered in the slime) F@ck!
Big Kahuna: Yeah, I'd say that's acidic.
Maxwell: Then what the f@ck? We should be dead.
Big Kahuna:(Leans against the rock wall) Well, you tell me what's going on, doctor
science.
Maxwell:(Does doubletake as he notices that Big Kahuna's arm is elbow deep into
the rock wall.) Uh, is that normal?
Big Kahuna:(Looks at his right arm) This? Oh shit, yes, I could always do this,
been doin' it since I was a kid. What the F@ck do you think?!
Pilot 2:(Enters to oversee the commotion) Problem, ladies?
(On cue, the asteroid collides with another asteroid and rubble comes crashing
down on all three of them. Maxwell and big Kahuna are unhurt but the Pilot gets trapped under a boulder.) Oww...
Shit!
Big Kahuna: Oh, shit!
Maxwell:(Grabs Pilot's disintegration gun and points it at the boulder.)
Big Kahuna:(Stops him from shooting) What the f@ck?
Maxwell: What? It's a disintegration gun, it'll disintegrate the boulder.
Big Kahuna: Yeah, and him with it.
Maxwell: Well, what do you suggest?
Big Kahuna: we do it the old fashioned way, we lift it.
(Maxwell puts down the gun and they both begin lifting the boulder)
Big Kahuna: That's it, lift with your legs. (They free the pilot and help him up
then Maxwell picks up the gun again.)
Scene: Maxwell and big Kahuna helping the pilot get out of the mine.
Scene: All three quickly board the last escape pod.
Scene: on board escape pod.
Maxwell: (Attempting to take off) Oh, shit, the f@ckin' controls are protected by a password.
Big Kahuna: A password? THis mutherf@cker's going into shock we ain't got time for a f@ckin' password. Hack into it!
Maxwell: What? I don't know computer hacking.
Big Kahuna: We don't have time, try something, try anything.
Maxwell: Anything?
Big Kahuna: Yeah anything, A-N-Y-T-H...
Maxwell: Yeah, yeah... a-n-y... It's working, yes, we are outta here.
Scene: Onboard the spacestation. It's chaos, injured miners and injured pilots
are scattered everywhere. The few without injuries are scrambling to help out all they can. Only half of the original
team is there and the rest are already presumed dead.
Scene: Amongst all the havoc the camera pans and leads us to pilot 6 who is watching
a video monitor on a control panel. He is visibly shaken and having a nervous breakdown.
Scene: The camera pans off the scared face of the pilot and onto the news story
he's watching on the monitor. The story from Earth shows massive protests and destruction as the worlwide rebellion
continues to rage.
(Enter Pilot 1): All this shit going on and you waste your time watching T.V.?
PIlot 6: What the hell are we doing here?
Pilot 1: We are here to put an end to all of that. (Points to the monitor)
You want to help them? Then pull yourself together and help someone up here.
Pilot 6: It won't make a difference, nothing is going to make a difference now...
Pilot 1: Get a grip! Now pull yourself together and help some of those injured
people. (Shuts off the monitor) NOW!
Pilot 6: (Reluctantly gets up from his chair and goes the assist the wounded.)
Scene: Camera follows Pilot 6 as he walks amongst the ensuing panic. When
he reaches the airlock we see Big Kahuna and Maxwell enter, carrying the wounded Pilot 2.)
(Camera now follows Maxwell and Big Kahuna as they gently put down Pilot 2 and
begin to administer first aid to him. The Pilot is unconcious and dying fast.)
Maxwell: Look at this... (Camera shows the blood all over the pilot's wounded
leg and his ripped space suit) He's dying and there's nothing we can do.
Big Kahuna: (Looking around at the chaos) Yeah, he's done and so are a bunch of
others.
Maxwell: God, I want my Lisa back...
Big Kahuna: Wha..? We're screwed up here and all you can think of is your
girlfriend?
Maxwell: Yeah.
Big Kahuna: Good, for a minute there I thought I was getting selfish.
Maxwell: Look at this. (Sticks his hand through the floor of the space station)
Whatever that green shit is it changed us both.
Big Kahuna: Yeah, and it's a good thing we can control it but the bad news
is we probably die last and I really don't want to spend eternity with you.
Maxwell:(Sarcastically) Does this mean the wedding's off?
(Enter Pilot 1): How is he...? Oh my God, what did you do to him?(Pulls out
his disintegration gun and points it at Maxwell and Big Kahuna)
Maxwell: Whoah, hey, chill...
Big Kahuna: Yeah, chill out, it was a cave-in, okay? He was trapped under some
big mutherf@ckin' rock.
(Pilot 1 stares at both of them in confusion, still pointing the gun)
Big Kahuna: We brought him here to save his life but, as you can plainly see, there's
nothing we can do.
Pilot1: (Lowers the gun and begins to panic) F@ck! I lost seven pilots today, that's half our crew.
(Enter Pilot 9): Captain, there's a problem on Earth, you really should see this.
Scene: Camera follows all of them as they return to the control panel where a few
of the uninjured are watching the news events from Earth unfold.
Scene: Shows the news on the monitor.
Reporter's voice: A bizarre demonstration of rebellion is occurring as thousands
of protesters appear to be attacking NASA's cape canaveral. (On the screen the protesters are destroying the NASA launch
site and shuttles.) Apparently not happy with the government's new energy policies, these angry citizens are destroying
the space shuttles.(Another voice is heard shouting over the crowd: They aren't gonna rule us anymore!!)
Pilot 1: F@cking druggies! They'll kill us all!
Pilot 9: Those shuttles were supposed to bring us supplies.
Pilot 1: And more miners, those bastards just killed a hundred innocent prisoners.
Scene: All helplessly watch as the havoc on Earth continues on the screen.
Scene: Camera pans over to Maxwell and Big Kahuna, Maxwell turns and leaves the
area without a word as Big Kahuna keeps watching.
Scene: Camera follows Maxwell as he walks over to the makeshift barracks.
He sits on his bunk and takes out the disintegration gun that he had stashed in his spacesuit that he's still wearing.
Looking at the gun you can tell by his facial expression that he is trying to solve their problem.
(Enter Big Kahuna): What are you gonna do?
Maxwell: (Still looking at the gun) We came here to get frozen Hydrogen, I'm gonna
get some frozen Hydrogen.
Big Kahuna: So you're gonna watse time picking at a mine while these asteroids
keep on bumping into each other.
Maxwell: Not if we disintegrate the asteroid.
Big Kahuna: You mean before it bumps into the one we're digging on?
Maxwell: I mean we disintegrate the asteroid, instead of digging.
Big Kahuna: That's crazy, these things don't have enough energy to do an entire
asteroid.
Maxwell: Well we gotta do something.
Big Kahuna: WE could dig the old fashioned way, by hand. (Holds up his right hand.)
Maxwell: (Looks down at his own hands) I don't know.
Big Kahuna: Hey, we got these 'superpowers' for a reason and I say we use them.
Maxwell:(Pauses to think) Okay, let's go.
Scene: Maxwell gets up and we follow both of them as they walk to the airlock chamber.
Maxwell: (opening the airlock door) I wonder how cold it is outside?
Scene: outside the space station, it is dark and cold. With no air, the two
cannot talk to each other so Big Kahuna points to the asteroid that they started digging on.
Scene: The two land on the asteroid and begin digging by hand. With great
ease they tear up the asteroid and find all kinds of metals and gems.
Scene: Enough of the various metals are found and formed into blocks by the pair
and brought to the spacestation. The asteroid is more than halfway mined out and finally they find the frozen Hydrogen.
Scene: Standing before a giant glacier of frozen Hydrogen, the two heroes high-five
each other.
Scene: Onboard the spacestation. Maxwell and big Kahuna are standing and
looking over their stash of blocks of precious metals.
Big Kahuna: A damn fine haul if I say so myself.
Maxwell: Damn fine. Assuming there is a world left when we return, we'll
be set for life.
Big Kahuna: So the fuel cells are full?
Maxwell: Yep, all seven shuttles are ready for a return trip.
Big Kahuna: Alright, let's load up our treasure.
(Enter Pilot 1, he's weak and starving and tired): What are you two doing?
Maxwell: We just saved our asses, we'll heading home in no time.
Pilot 1:Heading Home? There's no-one left to head home, except you two.
Your little stunt, do you know how long you two were out there?
Big Kahuna and Maxwell: Uh, ummm.... We lost track.
Big Kahuna: Well we don't exactly get evenly measured days with sunrises and sunsets.
Pilot : No, no you don't... The monitor stopped showing signals from Earth over
a week ago. We haven't eaten in a week and don't expect to anytime soon... sooo hungry....(Fades out of conciousness
and collapses.)
Maxwell: No Earth signals?(Runs over to the monitor and begins switching channels)
Come on... come on , somebody talk to me dammit! (Looks at Big Kahuna) Two million channels and the best satellite reception,
I wanna know what's going on.
Big Kahuna: There's nothing there, now it seems that getting back to Earth is not
such a big priority.
Maxwell: No! No, this can't be right. Where's Cindy Carmicheal?
Big Kahuna: Who?
Maxwell: Cindy Carmicheal, head cheerleader back in high school. She always
said she wouldn't f@ck me if I were the last man alive. Now I finally have a chance to hold her to that.
Big Kahuna: Well, technically, you're not the last man alive.
Maxwell: So?
Big Kahuna: So, if Cindy Carmicheal was here, she'd have a choice.
Maxwell: (Confused reaction)
Big Kahuna: She still probably wouldn't f@ck you. (Pause) Not that it matters, it looks like nature f@cked us both.
Maxwell: Yeah. (Looks at monitor and continues to switch channels.
Finally finds a signal of a repeating nature documentary on wasps, showing the queen building a nest as a narrator explains
the importance of perpetuating the species.) Even insects have the right idea.
Big Kahuna: How so?
Maxwell: (Turns to look at Big Kahuna) What would two intelligent, heterosexual
men do when surrounded by tools and limitless materials?
Big Kahuna: I dunno, build stuff?
(Maxwell stands up and they both begin gathering equipment)
Maxwell: Okay, (Picks up disintegration gun) this is a disintegration gun.
Big Kahuna: Yeah, and watch where you point that thing.
Maxwell: Right, and this is another disintegration gun. (Grabs a nearby screwdriver
and begins taking it apart.)
Big Kahuna: Hey, don't do that. (Tries to stop him) We may need that
and there's no telling what could happen.
Maxwell: We do need it, to do this. (Fiddles with second disintegration gun
and connects it to the first) Now watch.
(Maxwell shoots a gold bar. The bar gets broken down on a molecular level
and re-intergrates on the other side of the gun)
Maxwell: Ha, just as I thought, a particle beam.
Big Kahuna: (Intigrued) A disintegrator re-integrator.
Maxwell: Yeah. we can a build a few of these.
Big kahuna: Why stop there? Why not add a computer so we can form metal into
any shape we want?
Maxwell: Yeah.
Scene: The two assemble devices and modify the tools they have in preparation
for the next step.)
Scene: All is quiet on the spacestation as they take a break from their work.
Maxwell is at a computer, on the monitor is a blueprint for a gigantic spaceship)
(Enter Big Kahuna): A spaceship?
Maxwell: Didn't you ever play with Lego?
Big Kahuna: Yeah, but a spaceship? Look at that thing, it's f@ckin' huge.
Maxwell: With the robots helping and their laser guided systems... We can
do this.
Big Kahuna: With the robots? So then what? You gonna traverse the stars?
Maxwell: Maybe there's life out there that we don't know about.
Big Kahuna: Maxwell, it's huge, look at how big you want this thing to be.
Maxwell: You know, those wasps build nests in excess of ten feet in diameter.
That's huge for an insect. I'm gonna build it. (Gets up and begins to gather his tools)
Big Kahuna: (Pauses then reluctantly joins in and helps)
