EARTH IS FINALLY OUT OF GAS
Ecologists and Environmentalists alike have gotten their
wish today as pump 471 the last working petroleum pump ran dry. "Who of thought we'd ever see this happen?" stated the
pump foreman Bob McDermott. "It is my sad duty to declare this day, July 17, 2125, as the day the Earth officially ran
out of gas."
This reporter watched in awe and disbelief as the once mighty
pump 471 stood idle, a mere icon of a past glory in human history. "The well has run dry, it's as simple as that and
there isn't anymore oil to be found anywhere." Stated Foreman McDermott. When asked about starting mass panic
and hysteria throughout the world, he responded. "Reserves are high enough to keep them all going for a few more months
but beyond that... Let's just say the mass panic would be inevitable."
POLL: Now that the reserves are being tapped will YOU make changes to
your daily lives to reduce fuel consumption?
July 18, 2125
Tensions build at pump 471
On July 17, 2125 the mighty oil pump 471 ceased up after
the well beneath it went dry. Similar stories worldwide have already occurred in recent months and now oil workers and
their unions are engaging in legal battles over the balance of their work contracts.
"This was supposed to be a five year job," said foreman
McDermott, "Now it's been cut down to mere six months."
The question of who is at fault for this gigantic oversight
and poor estimate as to how much oil was down there is on the minds of union representatives and lawyers alike. According
to one union rep. the oil companies are obliged to pay out the full contracts to all workers, a sum exceeding two-hundred
billion dollars. These contracts were agreed to by all parties involved.
Sally Greene, spokesperson for Worldco. oil declined comment
this morning on the issue.
"We did our part," says Foreman Bob, "And for the money
the they offered we will continue to work out the full terms of our contract. It's not our fault that all the oil is
Oil rig workers stranded on offshore derrick
July 19, 2125
Day 3 of the pump 471 crisis and the situation here is growing
tense. For the last three hours the oil rig workers have gathered around a portable computer and watched helplessly
as their union brothers and sisters pled for their rescue from offshore derrick 712.
"It's like they are abandoned there," says foreman Bob McDermott,
"And all we can do is watch."
The web-cam feed from offshore derrick 712 has been on steady
since the signal finally got through to the oil workers. They have also relayed the s.o.s. to the coast guard rescue
teams in hopes that they will able to reach them on time.
"They were scheduled to be relieved of duty when their well
ran dry, that was three weeks ago." said foreman Bob.
Severe weather on the Atlantic has hampered efforts to evacuate
the workers and thus caused the situation. The offshore crew is quickly running out of supplies and fresh water.
No storms are expected to arise in the near future and attempts
to rescue the offshore workers will continue.
Self proclaimed Jesus makes profits in gas line-up
Rex Rodgers for Action12 news. July 20, 2125
In a bizarre twist of irony a worldco. gas station, run by the largest petroleum
company in the world has completely run dry of gasoline.
"It's crazy," says gas station attendant Willie, "They started lining up at six
this morning and they won't leave."
At around eight AM motorists began showing their irritation by honking their horns
and shouting which immediately escalated into acts of physical violence. Then a strange, bald man who proclaimed himself
as Jesus began to calm down the crowd by selling them his little white pills that he calls 'Purple Peace'.
"peace unto all mankind," he repeated in a calming voice as he sold the pills and
one by one the motorists became very sedate and returned calmly to their cars.
"I got my pill," says Willie, "Best ten bucks I ever spent." He stares quietly
into oblivion as citizens shoplift everything that is not nailed down around him. "It doesn't matter anymore," he moans
softly, "We're all screwed."
Apparent optimism on behalf of the Worldco. oil executives who claimed they had
enough petrolfuel in reserve for three months. What they did not tell us was who that reserve was for. It is now
known that the precious gasoline was sold to the highest bidder for an undisclosed amount of cash.
"It's capitalism at its finest," Comments Sally Greene, spokesperson for Worldco.
worlco. oil under federal investigation
July 22, 2125
Government officials declared today that Worldco. Oil will be facing a Grand Jury indictment
and could be charged with multiple counts of terrorism and possibly treason.
"This company had an obligation to the American people to provide the U.S. armed
forces with the last of the world's supply of available petroleum." Stated Senator Conroy Wood(R).
A full investigation is being immediately launched into what some Americans consider
to be a criminal act against homeland security.
"In the name of defending our great nation, it gives me great pain to immediately
enact the newly drafted Current Petroleum reserves conservation act." Stated President Davis in his speech this afternoon.
The Current Petroleum Reserves Conservation act prohibits the retail trade
of any existing gasoline in the country. It was designed to allot fuel specifically for military purposes and all civil
emergency service vehicles.
"We can't have our fine cities burn to the ground on account of this crisis." Stated
"Our fine men and women in the Reserves and on local police forces and fire departments
will continue to protect and serve the U.S. to the best of their ability, provided we give them the resources to do so."
Effective immediately, all gas stations are to stop the retail transfer of gasoline
that remains in their tanks. Any business illegally selling petro-fuel will will be fined up to a Million dollars and
the attendants responsible could face a twenty year imprisonment.
"This is a very serious crisis," President Davis continued.
Oil shortage law evokes riots
July 23, 2125
In response to president Davis enacting the Current Petroleum Reserves conservation
Act, citizens across America are uprising into violent riots.
Anger flared up in many cities this morning as motorists mobbed and threatened
the very lives of innocent gas station attendants.
"These people just don't get it." Said a very concerned Janet Dix, owner
and manager of a Worldco. gas station. "I can't sell them gasoline, the Army is right there in the parking lot."
She points to a military jeep with five armed guards around it. The two of us have been basically trapped in here
all night as the mob outside persisted in their attempts to fill their tanks. Now, with almost no sleep, we sit and
watch the angry and zombie-like crowd. Ironically, the song 'Let the Good Times Roll' by The Cars (written
by Ric O'Casek) is playing on the radio. (Those DJ's Have a sense of irony)
"I have the dubious distinction of being the gas station that is nearest to the
army reserves base," explains Janet, "This means they'll protect the gasoline but not me, personally,"
The mob has been unsuccessfully trying to disassemble the gas pumps all night in
attempts to steal the precious gasoline. Now, in the light of dawn we can see the military personnel putting on their
gas masks. A puff of smoke and the tear gas is released, the once angry mob now scatters like flies. Inside the
convenience store Janet hands me a chamoise to breathe through, it helps slightly.
"It's bad enough I'm trapped in here because of them (the mob)" She states, "Now I gotta
deal with tear gas?" She fears that it is only a matter of time until they comandeer her gas station all together.
"It's my life's work," she sighs, "Not that really matters now but I still own the land and the building, I don't want to
Tempers flare as cities grind to a halt
July 24, 2125
Here on the interstate it is total gridlock this morning as lines of cars as far
as the eye can see have run out of gas. Tens of thousands of angry and anxious mototrists searching in desperation for
a way off the roads.
"This sucks!" exclaims Tom, "I drive an electric car so I won't run out of gas and on
the way to work I get stuck behind people who, guess what? ran out of gas." He honks his horn to emphasize his complaint
as he blurts out expletives to the drivers of the SUV's around him.
And if being stuck in traffic is not bad enough, local police are now E-mailing
tickets to drivers guilty of parking violations.
"It's the motorists responsibility to park their cars in a safe and legal manner."
Explains officer Jan Whyte, "Gas or no gas, we can't have our highways and streets blocked up like this."
Trying to get someone to help push your vehicle is virtually impossible as drivers
somehow stare blankly into space, transfixed and confounded by the fact that they are completely out of gas.
"I don't know what I'm gonna do," states a confused and panicky motorist, "I have
to commute to work, I have to pay my mortgage and support my family..."
It's an all too familiar lament from the drivers as they simply give up their vehicles
and take to walking to the office.
"It's another five miles," one woman complains, "I'll never make it on time."
The panic and tempers have risen to a highpoint as this reporter watches the mass exodus
of newfound pedestrians as they begin their walk to their respective destinations. It is a surreal experience to say
the least as I take in the very beginning of this human drama.
Insurance companies collapse due to oil crisis
July 25, 2125
Insurance companies are now facing the brunt of this worldwide crisis situation.
"It's impossible," says Arco Insurance representative Fred Richards, "We cannot begin to pay out all the claims that have
flooded our offices since the world ran out of oil."
He goes on to show examples of every retail outlet making claims of damages that
resulted from nationwide looting. Then he shows us the piles of "regular" claims that were made from other citizens.
"Now they (motorists) want rebates for the car insurance they say they'll never use because there is no gas left."
The demands on the insurance companies are bad enough but as if to add insult to
injury, less than one quarter of the employees actually made it to the office today. "They all called in and said they
can't make the commute." Explains Fred, "Stuck in traffic in the terminal sense. The whole world has gone crazy."
It goes without saying that many a legal inquiry will be instigated as a result
of the insurance companies decisions to cancel all policies. "Provided anybody can make it to the courtroom, we'll just
have to wait and see how this plays out." Says Mr. Richards.
Cornfields become battlefields as starving millions look for food
July 26, 2125
Farmers across North America are reporting massive theft and crop destruction as
millions of hungry people invade and pillage their land.
"Damn city folk!" Exclaims Luke, a farmer in Kansas, "Crops aren't grown yet and
already they destroyed over twenty acres and that's just my land." He points up and down the highway and we see many
fields desecrated and plundered.
Perhaps the hungry masses are fearful of the newly passed 'Energy usage' bill that
allots all forms of energy to be diverted to military applications for homeland security.
"This includes ethanol!" Explains Zeke (not his real name) a hungry man who was
recently made homeless in this global crisis, "Those rich bastards have taken everything since I can remember. Screw
'em. Now it's every man for himself."
He explains this as he grabs armfuls of corn, "This corn can feed us all if we
use properly, as a food source. They want to make it into ethanol so they can continue to impose their views on us."
The panicky masses continue to pillage as an army tank appears on the horizon and,
ironically, runs out of gas. The sound of an incoming shell soon follows, resulting in an explosion less than a quarter
mile away. The screaming of the wounded pierce through the countryside as farmer Luke stands silent. He is dumbfounded
by all the destruction as many people scatter for cover.
"This is insane!" cries an injured woman, "All the stores in town are empty and
we need food. We can't just 'go to the supermarket' anymore."
Stock market plunges
July 27, 2125
"It's an obvious lack of foresight on the part of the world's citizens," Explains
stock analyst Alan Sayer. "If we had all converted to hydrogen energy a century ago then this whole thing could have
Lack of productivity, heavy losses at the retail level and rapidly devaluating
world currency all amount to a stock market crash worse than the one that started the depression of the 1930's.
With no gasoline left, every kind of vehicle that required fossil fuel is now completely
useless. Businesses from car dealerships to trucking companies are now defunct and a mere image of our past.
"Maybe we rediscover how to build tallships and large sailing vessels," jokes Alan,
"Until then, the oceans are going to awfully quiet."
Ofices of stock traders on wallstreet sit idle today trading on the NYSE has pretty
much ceased. "There's nothing we can do," says Alan, "Nobody is willing to buy and we're all watching the world situation
to decide on our next move."
NASA formulates plan to save us
July 28, 2125
Scientists at NASA are putting together a 'practical' scheme to help human beings
cope with the global energy crisis. "We're crunching the numbers and it is looking promising," says Dr. Winston Li,
a physicist with the administration. "The plan itself is fairly simple and will net us enough energy to keep us going.
We can't go into too much detail right now but we can say it involves hydrogen. Ethanol and biofuels will only lead
to massive starvation in a world that is already facing a food shortage."
Specifics on the plan were not revealed to us at press time.
...Now we may begin.
ESPIAL copyright James Janos 2007
Scene: Prison cell. A lone man sits waiting as a guard approaches.
Guard: Maxwell Bishop. (Opens cell and hits Maxwell in the head, knocking him out.)
Black screen slowly lightens as Maxwell awakens. He is in handuffs.
The room is now a larger meeting area filled with ten other prisoners who are all in restraints.
Guard: Well, well... Finally decided to join us I see.
Maxwell: What's going on? (Slowly sits up)
(Other prisoners wake up and deliver random curses)
Guard: (Waits for silence) How many of you want to get out of prison? Come
on, raise your hands.
(Prisoners shrug shoulders at his sarcastic humour)
Guard: What? No hands up? Okay then, just nod your heads.
Guard: Good. You're all volunteers in the new 'Save the world strategy' to reclaim energy
for all mankind. You see, the Government has some kind of plan to send all you boys 'up there'.
Guard: Up there! In Space muther f@#cker!! You're all going to Delta bel-air. It sure sounds nice to me. A home in the stars, steady nine to five
job, serving your fellow man in our hour of need. Hell, you sorry ass son of bitches might even redeem yourselfs.
Maxwell: Doing what?
Guard: Helping out with our energy crisis.
Maxwell: Wait, whoah... I just got here, I haven't even talked to my lawyer
yet. I'm not even supposed to be here.
Guard: Oh, but you are, Maxwell. You were looting.
Maxwell: It was riot, everyone was looting.
Guard: But not everyone was stupid enough to get caught now were they?
Maxwell: Guess not.
(Knocking at the door. Guard walks over and opens it, letting other guards
Guard: These fine gentlemen are going to escort you to the shuttles.
(Guards begin getting prisoners in line and filing them out in an orderly fashion.)
Scene: Maxwell and prisoners are awaiting their departure at a NASA appointed terminal.
Outside the window we see seven space shuttles in the distance.
Big Kahuna: (one of the prisoners looking out the window) Seven, just like
the seals of the apocalypse.
Maxwell: Yeah, this is an excellent time for religion.
Prisoner 1: This is bullshit, I want to talk to my lawyer.
Guard: Your lawyer? You boys don't get it, do you? Money don't mean
shit anymore, that means nobody works, meaning lawyers don't work and that makes your ass worthless.
Maxwell: (To Guard) You're working.
Guard: I am what you might call 'a bully'. (Knocks out Maxwell with his club)
I take pleasure in hurting you. Who else wants me to feel good about myself?
(Prisoners stand silent)
Enter a scientist in a lab coat: Okay, we're ready.
(Prisoners are led into an ajoining room, Maxwell gets dragged by the Guard.)
Big Kahuna:(looking over the crowd of prisoners) How many of us are going?
Woman scientist: (helping Big Kahuna get into a spacesuit) About a hundred
of you for this trip, we'll send more later.
Big Kahuna: Before you zip this thing, you wanna give me a parting gift?
Woman scientist: I only give gifts at christmas.
Big Kahuna: So, call me Santa Clause.
Woman scientist:(standing up and looking him in the eye) How about I shove a reindeer
up your ass?
Big Kahuna:( intrigued) You'd do that?
Woman scientist: Move on, miner.(points to loading dock)
Scene: onboard the shuttle cargo bay, it is modified to hold human passengers in
individual freezing chambers. As prisoners get placed into their respective chambers Maxwell comes to.
Maxwell:(looking around) So, where's the robot?
Big Kahuna: You mean the one who's gonna sabotage everything and kill us?
Maxwell: Yeah, him.
Big Kahuna: Well friend, I;m afraid we ain't that lucky. (Guard injects Big Kahuna
with anesthetic and watches him fall asleep.)
Maxwell: There must be some mistake, I can't do this...
Guard: 'Fraid to fly, Maxwell? Here, this will calm you down. (Gives him
a shot of anesthetic.) Say 'goodnight' Gracy.
(Maxwell falls asleep as all the tubes close and begin freezing procedure)
Scene: Inside the NASA terminal, three scientists are looking out the window.
Woman scientist: Are you sure the autopilots can safely transport them?
Scientist1: The pilots will come out of chryostesis shortly before they reach the
asteroid belt, it should work.
Woman scientist: It better work, I didn't put my kids into the best schools for
Scientist 2: Amen to that. (Into walkie-talkie) Start the launch.
Scene: We watch as all seven spaceshuttles safely launch into space.
Scene: Space shuttles travel through the solar system.
Scene: Arrival at the asteroid belt. Two pilots awake from frozen hybernation
and prepare to dock with a large spacestation. We look out into space from inside their cockpit.
Pilot 2:Where did they get this?
Pilot 1: It's some old space station, ten years ago they released it from Earth's
Pilot2:And it coincidentally drifted here?
Pilot 1: Autopilots navigated it here, nothing is done by coincidence.
Pilot 2: Docking complete. Airlock secure. God, I hope this stupid
Pilot 1: If it does, you and I should be set for life.
Pilot 2: Damn rights. They think they can get us to risk our lives so THEY
can rule the world?
Pilot 1: Not a chance. (Gets out of his seat) C'mon, lets go wake up the workers.
(Pilot 2 gets up and Both pilots arm themselves with high-tech guns)
(Both pilots walk into the rear cargo hold and begin pushing buttons on two
Pilot 1: Wakey, wakey, ladies.
(Two pods begin to open and the prisoners awaken. The Pilots move
on to unlock other tubes.)
Prisoner 1: Damn, I gotta... Nevermind.
Prisoner 2: Oh, man that's nasty...
Prisoner 1: But it feels so good...
Prisoner 2: Ssshhhh... you'll spoil the moment... Ohhhh yeahhh.
(Big Kahuna wakes up) Damn! I'm glad I'm way down here.
Pilot 1: Walk this way, ladies, and don't try anything.
Maxwell: (waking up): Don't try anything? Were the F#@k are we?
Pilot 1: The asteroid belt. Welcome to Delta bel-air.
Prisoner 2: Hey, when you gonna take this shit off of us?
Pilot 2: When we're good and ready, move it.
(They march the prisoners through the air lock and into the spacestation.)
Big Kahuna: (Singing) Welll.. You get up in the morning...
Maxwell: (Joining in) You hear the work bell ring...
Big Kahuna: And they march you to the table...
Maxwell: You see the same ol' thing...
Pilot 1 and 2: SHUT-UP, the both you.
Prisoner 3: Ain't no food upon the table...
Big Kahuna: Ain't no fork up in the pan...
Maxwell: But you better not complain, boy...
PIlot 1:(Clubs Maxwell in the head) You get in trouble with the man.
Maxwell: (Whincing) Oooww... So much for harmony.
(Inside the spacestation all the prisoners from all seven shuttles get put in a
line and are being watched by fourteen pilots.)
Pilot 1: You will obey us. There is a a ZERO TOLERANCE policy for insubordination.
Pilot 2: If any of you get any ideas, we are equipped with special disintegration
Prisoner 1: Hey, I had one of those once.
Prisoner 2: What happened to it?
Prisoner 1: It disintegrated.
Pilot 1:(Clubs Prisoner 1 in the head) Don't go thinking you're something
special just because you're up here. We got a hundred more deadbeats like you on the way so remember, you are replaceable.
Prisoner 3: Ha, I get it, it disintegrated... Hey do those things even work?
(Pilot 2 aims and shoots Prisoner 3) You tell me.
Maxwell: Damn, that smells funky.
Pilot 2: (Turns to Maxwell) You want some?
Big Kahuna: Okay, hey, just chill okay... lets keep our cool. None
of us like being up here.
Pilot 1: Just so you boys know that we are in charge. Do as you're told and
we'll get through this.
(Pilots begin removing the prisoners protective spacesuits and restraints.)
Pilot 3: Shit! This one pissed himself.
Pilot 1: (looking at Maxwell) You go and help him.
Maxwell: You're lucky I got a headache.
Scene: Miners are getting out of their spacesuits and settling into their quarters
on the station. Maxwell, Big Kahuna are bunkmates.
Big Kahuna: So what are you in for? Me? I killed a man, but you?
I mean, some scrawny white boy must've done something to get into prison.
Big Kahuna: So you're in all this mess for basically shoplifting?
Maxwell: Yep. I got hungry, my girlfriend got hungry, there was a riot goin'
on... Who's gonna catch us?
Big Kahuna: Apparently they did.
Maxwell: Apparently. You know, I used to be a businessman, I owned a business,
a small business, a little 'hole in the wall' place where I sold booze. I was doing really well too, until the 'Big
Box' store opened down the block. Then most of my customers went to the competition wanting to save money. All
I had left was the odd really old guy who was drunk and willing to pay anything for his next mickey.
Big Kahuna: And what was the name of your booze store?
Maxwell: 'The liquor hole.'
Big Kahuna: That's nasty.
Prisoner 1: The liquor hole? I know that place, I robbed you.
Maxwell: Was that you?
Prisoner 1: Shit yeah, July 4, 2123. I remember it well, My girlfriend wanted some
of that Malibu rum, you know because it was summer and all... Anyway, I gotta please my girlfriend so I pulled out my
gun and just started grabbin'. (Laughs a bit) I can confess to it all now because, well, look around, it don't
mean shit anymore. (Exit Prisoner 1)
Maxwell: He's right, I hate to say it but...
Big Kahuna: No. No he's not right. To say he's right is to say that all we
do is in vain and that ain't so. I like to think that my actions had a positive impact on society.
Maxwell: But you killed a guy?
Big Kahuna: The guy was a pimp. He was sending young girls in the street to make
himself rich. When my girlfriend told me her sister was in trouble, I just had to do something. The girl was fifteen
years old and this pimp made her the 'Freak of the week'. I couldn't just stand by and let that happen. No fuckin'
Maxwell: So you got prison, what about her?
Big Kahuna: In the past ten long years she went to school and became a doctor.
She's helping all kinds of sick people now. My girlfriend kept me up to date in the letters she sent me. Always
talking about how happy her sister was, I did that and yeah it was worth it.
Maxwell: Amen to that, brother.
(Enter Pilot 2.): OKay, ladies orientation starts in two minutes.
(Big Kahuna and Maxwell look at each other and then join the other miners.)
Camera follows them as they all gather for the meeting. Pilots stand armed
and keeping an eye on the prisoners.
Pilot 1: All miners will be issued the following. One protective spacesuit,
one helmet, two oxygen tanks with three hours of air in total and one pickaxe.
Prisoner 4: Hi ho, hi ho, hi ho.
PIlot 4:(Clubs prisoner 4)
Pilot 1: Thank-you. You will take this seriously. What you are looking
for are glaciers of frozen hydrogen. Some of it will be found on the surface but the stuff we want is deep within the
Maxwell: Uh, question... Isn't hydrogen volatile? You know, explosive?
Pilot 1: Yes, yes it is. This is why you will use robots to gather the frozen
Big Kahuna: (Quietly) Damn, I knew there were robots.
Pilot 2: What was that?
Big Kahuna: I said, yay for robots.
Pilot 1: Some of you smarter primates will be getting these. (Shows sensor
device) They're sensors they will detect any frozen hydrogen and tell you how thick the rock is until you reach it.
You will be responsible for getting the rock as thin as critically possible then send in the robots to do the rest.
Bishop, you look like a smart ass, here you are now responsible. (Tosses him the sensor)
Maxwell: (Catches the sensor and sneers.) Thanks. (Begins looking at it)
Hydrogen, Oxygen, Gold? Silver? I thought we were looking for fuel?
PIlot 1: You are, but who knows, you might get lucky.
Big Kahuna: And if we do find any of this gold and silver?
PIlot 1: You send in the robots and shut your f@ckin' mouth.
Prisoner 4: Whoah, this is bullshit. You think we're gonna risk our necks
to put gold in your pocket?!
Pilot 3:(Clubs him)
Pilot 1: Thank-you. You will do as you're told and remember, we are
in charge. (Pulls out his disintegration gun.)
(Other pilots do the same)
Maxwell: (Quiet reaction) F@ck...
Pilot 1: Alright, suit up and let's get goin'.
(Miners grab their spacesuits and equipment and begin getting ready.)
PIlot 2:(Speaking through space helmet) You two come with me. (Points at Maxwell
and Big Kahuna.)
Maxwell:(To Big Kahuna) This is all so surreal.
Big Kahuna: I know what you mean. (Both put on helmets) Let's go find this 'Genie'.
(They both follow the pilot and a few other miners)
Scene: Outside the space station we see special escape pods launch towards the
nearby asteroid belt.)
(Vocal overdub of Prisoner 4): R2, are you sure the princess is down there?
(Vocal overdub of Pilot 2): You're all gonna get such a clubbin'.
Scene: Escape pods land hard on the asteroid surface. They stay intact and
come to a stop. The asteroid is huge, about fifty miles in diameter. The prisoners disembark.)
Pilot 2: Move it, move it, we've only got a few hours.
Scene: Miners begin digging as other pods land around them and their initial pod
takes off back to the spacestation for more supplies.
Maxwell:(Begins digging then grabs a handful of asteroid) Wow, look at this...
Big Kahuna: (Looks at the shiny stones) Diamonds, too bad there aren't any girls
Maxwell: I hear ya.
Scene: MIning continues as escape pods land and take-off bringing in more supplies.
Days pass and the mine begins to develop. The operation is going smoothly but tensions are building as they have not
found any hydrogen yet.
Scene: Inside the mine, Big Kahuna and Maxwell are surrounded by rock.
Pilot 2: (Speaking to Maxwell through his helmet.) Bishop, are you sure we're digging
in the right place?
Maxwell: (Through his helmet) Providing this sensor is working, (Shows pilot the
device) We should be getting closer. (The display shows the rock barrier getting thinner)
Pilot 2: Good, keep digging.(Exits)
Maxwell:(Hits the rock with his pick and notices some green slime oozing out of
it.) What the?
Big Kahuna: What is that?
Maxwell:(As ooze keeps flowing) I don't know, the sensor doesn't recognize it.
Big Kahuna: It's glowing. (They both frantically chip away at the rock wall to
find out what this stuff is and uncover the ancient remains of an alien body.) Oh Shit! It's an alien. A mutherf@cking fossil from another planet.
Maxwell: Do you have any idea how old this thing must be?
Big Kahuna: Old. Oh, Damn!
Big Kahuna: My feet are burning.
Maxwell: Mine too but you don't hear me complaining.
(both look down to see that they are ankle deep in green slime)
Maxwell: Oh, shit...
Maxwell: Calm down, it might not be acidic. (looks down as he lifts his left foot
out of the slime. The space boot is corroded entirely and his foot is covered in the slime) F@ck!
Big Kahuna: Yeah, I'd say that's acidic.
Maxwell: Then what the f@ck? We should be dead.
Big Kahuna:(Leans against the rock wall) Well, you tell me what's going on, doctor
Maxwell:(Does doubletake as he notices that Big Kahuna's arm is elbow deep into
the rock wall.) Uh, is that normal?
Big Kahuna:(Looks at his right arm) This? Oh shit, yes, I could always do this,
been doin' it since I was a kid. What the F@ck do you think?!
Pilot 2:(Enters to oversee the commotion) Problem, ladies?
(On cue, the asteroid collides with another asteroid and rubble comes crashing
down on all three of them. Maxwell and big Kahuna are unhurt but the Pilot gets trapped under a boulder.) Oww...
Big Kahuna: Oh, shit!
Maxwell:(Grabs Pilot's disintegration gun and points it at the boulder.)
Big Kahuna:(Stops him from shooting) What the f@ck?
Maxwell: What? It's a disintegration gun, it'll disintegrate the boulder.
Big Kahuna: Yeah, and him with it.
Maxwell: Well, what do you suggest?
Big Kahuna: we do it the old fashioned way, we lift it.
(Maxwell puts down the gun and they both begin lifting the boulder)
Big Kahuna: That's it, lift with your legs. (They free the pilot and help him up
then Maxwell picks up the gun again.)
Scene: Maxwell and big Kahuna helping the pilot get out of the mine.
Scene: All three quickly board the last escape pod.
Scene: on board escape pod.
Maxwell: (Attempting to take off) Oh, shit, the f@ckin' controls are protected by a password.
Big Kahuna: A password? THis mutherf@cker's going into shock we ain't got time for a f@ckin' password. Hack into it!
Maxwell: What? I don't know computer hacking.
Big Kahuna: We don't have time, try something, try anything.
Big Kahuna: Yeah anything, A-N-Y-T-H...
Maxwell: Yeah, yeah... a-n-y... It's working, yes, we are outta here.
Scene: Onboard the spacestation. It's chaos, injured miners and injured pilots
are scattered everywhere. The few without injuries are scrambling to help out all they can. Only half of the original
team is there and the rest are already presumed dead.
Scene: Amongst all the havoc the camera pans and leads us to pilot 6 who is watching
a video monitor on a control panel. He is visibly shaken and having a nervous breakdown.
Scene: The camera pans off the scared face of the pilot and onto the news story
he's watching on the monitor. The story from Earth shows massive protests and destruction as the worlwide rebellion
continues to rage.
(Enter Pilot 1): All this shit going on and you waste your time watching T.V.?
PIlot 6: What the hell are we doing here?
Pilot 1: We are here to put an end to all of that. (Points to the monitor)
You want to help them? Then pull yourself together and help someone up here.
Pilot 6: It won't make a difference, nothing is going to make a difference now...
Pilot 1: Get a grip! Now pull yourself together and help some of those injured
people. (Shuts off the monitor) NOW!
Pilot 6: (Reluctantly gets up from his chair and goes the assist the wounded.)
Scene: Camera follows Pilot 6 as he walks amongst the ensuing panic. When
he reaches the airlock we see Big Kahuna and Maxwell enter, carrying the wounded Pilot 2.)
(Camera now follows Maxwell and Big Kahuna as they gently put down Pilot 2 and
begin to administer first aid to him. The Pilot is unconcious and dying fast.)
Maxwell: Look at this... (Camera shows the blood all over the pilot's wounded
leg and his ripped space suit) He's dying and there's nothing we can do.
Big Kahuna: (Looking around at the chaos) Yeah, he's done and so are a bunch of
Maxwell: God, I want my Lisa back...
Big Kahuna: Wha..? We're screwed up here and all you can think of is your
Big Kahuna: Good, for a minute there I thought I was getting selfish.
Maxwell: Look at this. (Sticks his hand through the floor of the space station)
Whatever that green shit is it changed us both.
Big Kahuna: Yeah, and it's a good thing we can control it but the bad news
is we probably die last and I really don't want to spend eternity with you.
Maxwell:(Sarcastically) Does this mean the wedding's off?
(Enter Pilot 1): How is he...? Oh my God, what did you do to him?(Pulls out
his disintegration gun and points it at Maxwell and Big Kahuna)
Maxwell: Whoah, hey, chill...
Big Kahuna: Yeah, chill out, it was a cave-in, okay? He was trapped under some
big mutherf@ckin' rock.
(Pilot 1 stares at both of them in confusion, still pointing the gun)
Big Kahuna: We brought him here to save his life but, as you can plainly see, there's
nothing we can do.
Pilot1: (Lowers the gun and begins to panic) F@ck! I lost seven pilots today, that's half our crew.
(Enter Pilot 9): Captain, there's a problem on Earth, you really should see this.
Scene: Camera follows all of them as they return to the control panel where a few
of the uninjured are watching the news events from Earth unfold.
Scene: Shows the news on the monitor.
Reporter's voice: A bizarre demonstration of rebellion is occurring as thousands
of protesters appear to be attacking NASA's cape canaveral. (On the screen the protesters are destroying the NASA launch
site and shuttles.) Apparently not happy with the government's new energy policies, these angry citizens are destroying
the space shuttles.(Another voice is heard shouting over the crowd: They aren't gonna rule us anymore!!)
Pilot 1: F@cking druggies! They'll kill us all!
Pilot 9: Those shuttles were supposed to bring us supplies.
Pilot 1: And more miners, those bastards just killed a hundred innocent prisoners.
Scene: All helplessly watch as the havoc on Earth continues on the screen.
Scene: Camera pans over to Maxwell and Big Kahuna, Maxwell turns and leaves the
area without a word as Big Kahuna keeps watching.
Scene: Camera follows Maxwell as he walks over to the makeshift barracks.
He sits on his bunk and takes out the disintegration gun that he had stashed in his spacesuit that he's still wearing.
Looking at the gun you can tell by his facial expression that he is trying to solve their problem.
(Enter Big Kahuna): What are you gonna do?
Maxwell: (Still looking at the gun) We came here to get frozen Hydrogen, I'm gonna
get some frozen Hydrogen.
Big Kahuna: So you're gonna watse time picking at a mine while these asteroids
keep on bumping into each other.
Maxwell: Not if we disintegrate the asteroid.
Big Kahuna: You mean before it bumps into the one we're digging on?
Maxwell: I mean we disintegrate the asteroid, instead of digging.
Big Kahuna: That's crazy, these things don't have enough energy to do an entire
Maxwell: Well we gotta do something.
Big Kahuna: WE could dig the old fashioned way, by hand. (Holds up his right hand.)
Maxwell: (Looks down at his own hands) I don't know.
Big Kahuna: Hey, we got these 'superpowers' for a reason and I say we use them.
Maxwell:(Pauses to think) Okay, let's go.
Scene: Maxwell gets up and we follow both of them as they walk to the airlock chamber.
Maxwell: (opening the airlock door) I wonder how cold it is outside?
Scene: outside the space station, it is dark and cold. With no air, the two
cannot talk to each other so Big Kahuna points to the asteroid that they started digging on.
Scene: The two land on the asteroid and begin digging by hand. With great
ease they tear up the asteroid and find all kinds of metals and gems.
Scene: Enough of the various metals are found and formed into blocks by the pair
and brought to the spacestation. The asteroid is more than halfway mined out and finally they find the frozen Hydrogen.
Scene: Standing before a giant glacier of frozen Hydrogen, the two heroes high-five
Scene: Onboard the spacestation. Maxwell and big Kahuna are standing and
looking over their stash of blocks of precious metals.
Big Kahuna: A damn fine haul if I say so myself.
Maxwell: Damn fine. Assuming there is a world left when we return, we'll
be set for life.
Big Kahuna: So the fuel cells are full?
Maxwell: Yep, all seven shuttles are ready for a return trip.
Big Kahuna: Alright, let's load up our treasure.
(Enter Pilot 1, he's weak and starving and tired): What are you two doing?
Maxwell: We just saved our asses, we'll heading home in no time.
Pilot 1:Heading Home? There's no-one left to head home, except you two.
Your little stunt, do you know how long you two were out there?
Big Kahuna and Maxwell: Uh, ummm.... We lost track.
Big Kahuna: Well we don't exactly get evenly measured days with sunrises and sunsets.
Pilot : No, no you don't... The monitor stopped showing signals from Earth over
a week ago. We haven't eaten in a week and don't expect to anytime soon... sooo hungry....(Fades out of conciousness
Maxwell: No Earth signals?(Runs over to the monitor and begins switching channels)
Come on... come on , somebody talk to me dammit! (Looks at Big Kahuna) Two million channels and the best satellite reception,
I wanna know what's going on.
Big Kahuna: There's nothing there, now it seems that getting back to Earth is not
such a big priority.
Maxwell: No! No, this can't be right. Where's Cindy Carmicheal?
Big Kahuna: Who?
Maxwell: Cindy Carmicheal, head cheerleader back in high school. She always
said she wouldn't f@ck me if I were the last man alive. Now I finally have a chance to hold her to that.
Big Kahuna: Well, technically, you're not the last man alive.
Big Kahuna: So, if Cindy Carmicheal was here, she'd have a choice.
Maxwell: (Confused reaction)
Big Kahuna: She still probably wouldn't f@ck you. (Pause) Not that it matters, it looks like nature f@cked us both.
Maxwell: Yeah. (Looks at monitor and continues to switch channels.
Finally finds a signal of a repeating nature documentary on wasps, showing the queen building a nest as a narrator explains
the importance of perpetuating the species.) Even insects have the right idea.
Big Kahuna: How so?
Maxwell: (Turns to look at Big Kahuna) What would two intelligent, heterosexual
men do when surrounded by tools and limitless materials?
Big Kahuna: I dunno, build stuff?
(Maxwell stands up and they both begin gathering equipment)
Maxwell: Okay, (Picks up disintegration gun) this is a disintegration gun.
Big Kahuna: Yeah, and watch where you point that thing.
Maxwell: Right, and this is another disintegration gun. (Grabs a nearby screwdriver
and begins taking it apart.)
Big Kahuna: Hey, don't do that. (Tries to stop him) We may need that
and there's no telling what could happen.
Maxwell: We do need it, to do this. (Fiddles with second disintegration gun
and connects it to the first) Now watch.
(Maxwell shoots a gold bar. The bar gets broken down on a molecular level
and re-intergrates on the other side of the gun)
Maxwell: Ha, just as I thought, a particle beam.
Big Kahuna: (Intigrued) A disintegrator re-integrator.
Maxwell: Yeah. we can a build a few of these.
Big kahuna: Why stop there? Why not add a computer so we can form metal into
any shape we want?
Scene: The two assemble devices and modify the tools they have in preparation
for the next step.)
Scene: All is quiet on the spacestation as they take a break from their work.
Maxwell is at a computer, on the monitor is a blueprint for a gigantic spaceship)
(Enter Big Kahuna): A spaceship?
Maxwell: Didn't you ever play with Lego?
Big Kahuna: Yeah, but a spaceship? Look at that thing, it's f@ckin' huge.
Maxwell: With the robots helping and their laser guided systems... We can
Big Kahuna: With the robots? So then what? You gonna traverse the stars?
Maxwell: Maybe there's life out there that we don't know about.
Big Kahuna: Maxwell, it's huge, look at how big you want this thing to be.
Maxwell: You know, those wasps build nests in excess of ten feet in diameter.
That's huge for an insect. I'm gonna build it. (Gets up and begins to gather his tools)
Big Kahuna: (Pauses then reluctantly joins in and helps)
Maxwell: Whatever happened to 'it can't be done'?
Big Kahuna: Maybe it can't, but I'm not gonna sit quietly by while you go and build
Maxwell: Whitey world?
Big Kahuna: Yeah, some gigantic spaceship gated community for the rich white-man.
Maxwell: Hey, we both know what it takes for a society to function and it
ain't rich white men.
Big Kahuna: Damn right.
Scene: Big Kahuna and Maxwell are using their 'powers' to mine out an asteroid
by hand. They feed the metals into their disintegration/re-integration device and build gigantic girders and bulk heads
to use as a framework for their spaceship.
Maxwell:(Voiceover) To protect the bulkheads from oxidation and corrosion, we coat
them with layers of various metal alloys then a thick coating of gold.
Scene: The frame work is half completed. The bottom and top of the ship in
Big Kahuna: (Voice over) We'll need a way to purify air and make oxygen, this means
we'll need an ocean and with it, a beach.
Scene: The two place a large chunk of asteroid inside the ship on the base deck.
The rock is three miles wide and twelve miles long.
Maxwell: (Voiceover) To complete the hull, we use sheets of thick metals.
Iron, for strength, lead, for radiation protection, copper, aluminum, and finally gold to prevent oxidation. This is
one thick ass hull.
Scene: The two are completing the framework on the other half of the semi-circle.
Big Kahuna: Damn, this thing is huge. It's fifteen miles in diameter and
three miles high. The ocean bowl itself is a mile deep.
Scene: The pair are applying solar cells to the outside of the hull.
Big Kahuna: We got the robots to manufacture other robots and then used them all
to make solar cells, hundreds of square miles of solar cells.
Scene: The two apply a twenty foot thick layer of diamonds
to the outside hull to protect the solar cells.
Maxwell: To top it all off, we use diamonds, a twenty foot thck coating of hard
Scene: Outside the ship, the outer hull is almost complete. The two are incorporating
the old spacestation and seven shuttles that took them there into the base of the hull.
Big Kahuna: We'll use the old space shuttles as engines to move the hulking mass
through the universe. We also got the robots to build us more robots and more rocket engines. Our team is really
helping us make progress.
Scene: The two install seven of the disintegration/re-integration guns on the base
of the hull.
Maxwell: (voiceover) This should work as form of transport particle beam.
Scene: The two are working with robots laying countless miles of wide copper pipe
on the ocean floor.
Maxwell: We'll need to heat this water so we'll use a radiant floor heating system.
Big Kahuna: Yeah, We'll hook-up the radiator pipes to the steam powered generators
Maxwell: And we'll get the steam from boilers that are powered by the solar cells.
Scene: The two are on the base deck coating the ocean floor with gold.
Scene: They coat the ocean floor with a thick rubber compound.
Big Kahuna: We'll take every precaution.
Scene: The two stand on their beach as they watch their transport beam re-integrate
broken rocks and sand onto the ocean floor.
Big Kahuna: Now we gotta bring up some atmosphere, Oxygen, Hydrogen, nitrogen and
other necessary gases. The hard part is getting the right proportions.
Scene: Still on the beach, they watch as frozen gases re-inegrate on the
Scene: The two stand on the base deck of the ship. It is slowly warming as
the oxygen and hydrogen melt and mix into a breathable atmosphere, a thick, icy, foggy mist surrounds them.
Maxwell: (Gasp) God, it feels good to finally breath again.
Big Kahuna: Oh yeah! (Looks around) We did it, Maxwell, we mutherf@ckin' did it!
Maxwell: (Looking Up at the framework above them) Well Big Kahuna, we're not
(Big Kahuna looks up at the two miles or so of girders above them): Yeah, did we
really need fifteen decks?
Maxwell: Gotta go big. How long do you think we've spent building this?
Big Kahuna: Time is pretty much meaningless now man.
Maxwell: Yeah, I know.
Scene: The pair work with robots laying down floors on the decks.
Scene: They install generators.
Scene: Installing more pipe for radiant heat.
Scene: Installing elevators to lift people and things from deck to deck.
Scene: on the bridge installing control panels from the old space
Scene: Installing countless miles of copper wire and gold wire from the bridge
to the engine room.
Scene: The two are on the bridge checking all control systems.
Maxwell: (Laughing) It's working, man, it's f@ckin' working.
Big Kahuna: I like to see to that. (Smiling) I just hope there's somebody out there
Maxwell: Out there is a pretty big place, Kahuna. You ready for the next
Big Kahuna: Hit the 'go' button anytime.
Maxwell: It's do or die from here.
Scene: The control panel. Maxwell is about to start the engines then hesitates.
Big Kahuna: What?
Maxwell: We don't know where we are.
Big Kahuna: We're in space.
Maxwell: No, I mean relative to other things in space. (points) See, the auto pilots
Big Kahuna: Didn't you hook-up the sensors?
Maxwell: I thought you hooked up the sensors.
Big Kahuna: Oh man, okay, let's go hook-up the sensors.
Maxwell: I'll get the robots to build us some cameras too, it would be nice to
see outside and where we're going.
Big Kahuna: Seeing as we're gonna be here awhile, we should stock up on raw material
Maxwell: Excellent idea.
(They both get up and walk to the elevator then descend to the beach level.)
Scene: On the elevator the pair look through the glass down on the beach they built.
Big Kahuna: Hey, what happened to the glaciers?
Maxwell: They must have melted. I guess the volume of this thing is bigger
than we thought.
Big Kahuna: I hope that's it, we better not have a leak.
Maxwell: I'll get some robots to build us some sensors for the inside hull of the
Big Kahuna (Looking around): Yeah, it would be nice to know what's goin' on.
F@ck, this place is huge.
(They both step off the elevator on the storage deck beneath the beach deck.
Large rooms with robots inside them building miles of pipes, miles of cables all kinds of materials needed for the ship.
As the pair walk through the warehouse sized factory they pass other robots building large light bulbs, some building solar
panels and others building replacement engines and computers)
Maxwell: It's a cyber-sweat shop down here.
Big Kahuna: Good thing they ain't union.
(They shut down a couple robots and program them to build the sensors they need.
Immediately the robots begin assembly.)
Big Kahuna: We're out of copper and gold and pretty much everything else.
Maxwell: I hear you, we got a long night of mining ahead.
Big Kahuna: God built the Earth in seven days. Why is this taking us so long?
Maxwell: We ain't Gods.
Scene: The pair are mining another asteroid.
Scene: The are installing sensors and cameras on the outer hull of the ship.
Scene: they are installing interior sensors.
Scene: Maxwell standing on the beach watching more frozen oxygen and hydrogen re-integrating
on the ocean bowl.
(Enter Big Kahuna, stepping off the elevator): Well, the sensors are all working
and the good news is, there's no leaks.
Maxwell: That's good to hear, Big Kahuna.
Big Kahuna: even better news, we're building up an oxygen rich atmosphere
and the air pressure is increasing. Maxwell, we can sustain human life up here.
Maxwell: Well, I guess we did a bang-up job.
Big Kahuna: We sure did, so what are we gonna call her?
Big Kahuna: Espial? What the hell kind of name is that?
Maxwell: It's another word for discovery.
Big Kahuna: As in, we're gonna discover more life out there?
Maxwell: A man can dream.
Big Kahuna: Then, I think we should get started.
Scene: The two are riding the elevator up to the bridge.
Big Kahuna: Man, this is one mother of a ship.
Maxwell: (Looking at the empty decks pass by)It will be.
Big Kahuna: But doesn't seeing all this make you believe that we can do anything?
(They get to the bridge deck and walk over to the ship's control room. They
enter the control room)
Big Kahuna: Okay, we got three decks full, storing raw materials, metals, carbon,
silicone, etc... The ocean bowl is holding large glaciers of frozen gases that, when melted, should fill out our ship's
atmoshere. Plus, we got two more giant glaciers in cold storage, just in case. (He points out a few of the basic
controls and monitors) Generators on decks 3,5 and 7 are at full power, that's enough to run the ship. Generators on
decks 4,6 and 8 are on standby and will come online automatically if the others need to shut down and cool off.
Maxwell: You've really done your homework.
Big Kahuna: Shit yeah, in prison I studied electronics. I just never thought
I'd end up using it like this.
Maxwell: Me, I just like to build stuff.
Big Kahuna: You, you're a dreamer.
Maxwell: Yeah, but we make a great team.
Big Kahuna: Now, let's go save the human race. (He starts up the engines and the
ship begins moving)
Maxwell: Are we moving?
Big Kahuna: Five hundred thousand miles per hour. (Smiles) And this is only first
gear, smooth ain't she.
Maxwell: Very smooth. How long can we do this?
Big Kahuna: Indefinitely. I set up some of your disintegration/re-integration
guns at the point of reaction by the ships engines. We literally reclaim all the hydrogen we use and recycle it.
We will never run out of gas.
Maxwell: That's good to hear because we're approaching saturn.
BIg Kahuna: Sure is pretty, ain't she?
Maxwell: Yeah, but my point is we're going the wrong way.
Big Kahuna: Okay, so we need to work on navigation. Just let me get my bearings.
Maxwell: Go towards the sun.
Big Kahuna: Okay, okay, we gotta slow down so I do this U-turn.
Maxwell: (Listening) What's that noise?
Big Kahuna: (Hears strange hum) I don't know.
Maxwell: We're speeding up.
Big Kahuna: What? Man, I cut the power.
Maxwell: Look at the speedometer, oh man, we're in a wormhole.
Big Kahuna: Wormhole? You mean one of those things that Einstein theorized about
that could result in time travel?
Maxwell: Time travel if we're lucky.
Big Kahuna: Damn this Universe! Everytime you turn around you never know
what to expect.
Maxwell: Yeah, it's like being a Gemini.
Scene: The Espial goes through the wormhole at hyper-space speeds.
Scene: An explosion and the Espial appears as it continues blazing across the solar
Scene: On the bridge, the two are trying to slow down the ship.
Maxwell: Retro-rockets, retro rockets.
Big Kahuna: (Working some controls) Brakes, we need brakes, okay, rotate the ship
to counteract our trajectory.
(The ship rotates and begins slowing down)
Big Kahuna: Okay, we're under control. Now where the f@ck are we?
Maxwell: There's Saturn, we're right back where we started.
Big Kahuna: A circle?! We went through all of that shit just to make one
big Mutherf@cking circle??! Where's Einstein? I wanna kick his ass!
Maxwell: He could still be right, Big Kahuna, we know where we are but not when.
Big Kahuna: Then let's find out.
(They continue their course towards Earth)
Scene: The Espial is approaching the moon.
Maxwell: (Laughs) There she is.
Big Kahuna: Mother Earth.
Maxwell: It's beautiful, so blue, so alive.
Big Kahuna: We definitely have to pay her a visit.
(On the bridge they watch the monitors as they get closer to Earth and into a stable
Scene: Maxwell and Big Kahuna scanning for radio and television frequencies.
They find a t.v. news program showing live footage of the Viet Nam war. The year is now 1970)
Maxwell: Man, It's amazing we got as far as we did.
Big Kahuna: Yeah, war, what is it good for?
Maxwell: Absolutely nothin'. (Stands up) Well, we all got our problems and
right now, I gotta build me a house.
Big Kahuna: Good idea, now I'm curious as to how that would go. (Stands up and
they both go down to the beach deck)
Scene: Maxwell and Big Kahuna standing on a high plateau on the island. They
are overlooking the now empty ocean bowl.)
Maxwell: I call this spot.
Big Kahuna: Hey, I want an oceanview. Rock, paper, scissors.
Maxwell: Okay. (They compete) Paper beats rock.
Big Kahuna: This means we split it. You just got yourself a neighbour.
Which brings me to my next question, what are we gonna use for building material?
Maxwell: Carbon fibres.
Big Kahuna: You mean like kevlar?
Big Kahuna:(Contemplating) Fireproof, sturdy, safe for the environment... Let's
Scene: Maxwell and big Kahuna planning their mansions and watching as walls and
windows re-integrate before them. Soon the work is done and they are standing before their respective mansions.
Big Kahuna: Looking good, all I need now is some landscaping.
Maxwell: You and me both. I'll see you at lunch.
Scene: Much later, Maxwell stands on the beach as the ocean bowl in fron of him
fills with seawater.
(Enter Big Kahuna): Whew! What is that funky smell?
Maxwell: It's oil, apparently the seawater is contaminated.
Big Kahuna(Looks down to see the polluted and discoloured water)We gotta clean
this, maybe we can reclaim the oil and process it into gasoline.
Maxwell: Brilliant idea. We can sell it to the Earthlings.
Big Kahuna: Why not? We don't need it. And we can make money.
Maxwell: Build up an economy of our own, start some kind of international trade.
We'd be rich.
Scene: A vacant lot on Earth. It is dark and deserted. Maxwell and
Big Kahuna are standing there alone.
Big Kahuna: Are you sure this will work?
Maxwell: Only one way to find out. (Pushes a button on his wrist controller and
a full gas station re-integrates in front of them)
Big Kahuna: Damn.
Scene: The morning comes and the two spend the day pumping gas.
Scene: It's sundown and time to close the station.
Maxwell: Coast is clear.(Both of them disappear with the gas station)
Scene: On the bridge. Maxwell and Big Kahuna are counting the days take.
Big Kahuna: Two thousand dollars. (Hands a wad to Maxwell) Here's your half.
Not bad for a days pay.
Maxwell: Not bad at all. You know we could always return the clean seawater
and do this again.
Big Kahuna: Be my guest, me? My pump jockey days are over.
Maxwell: What, you gonna retire with a thousand dollars?
Big Kahuna: Maxwell, we live on a spaceship, remember? We can get anything
we want anytime we want. I'm tired of working.
Maxwell: So, you want us to be one of those 'poor' nations?
Big Kahuna: There's no shame in being poor.
Maxwell: There is when your people are dying from disease and starving.
Big Kahuna: We aren't hungry or sick.
Maxwell: No, but we should be. So unless we find a lot of that green stuff
to infect everyone onboard, we're gonna have to provide.
Big Kahuna:(Sighs) Fine, let's get more oil.
Scene: Various images of them working on the ship and selling stuff on Earth.
Maxwell:(Voiceover) The next two decades we sold a lot of gas and invested in all
kinds of plants. Planting trees and crops of every fruit, vegetable and grain known to man. With one deck being
one hundred and seventy six square miles, we had a lot of room to grow stuff.
Scene: Maxwell on a horse, riding in a grain field.
Maxwell: (Looking on his homestead ranch he build on deck two) Now that's a homestead.
Big Kahuna: (Also on a horse) No, that's a homestead. (We see both ranches
side by side)
Maxwell: Are you gonna match me one-for-one on everything?
Big Kahuna: It's called 'equality'.
Maxwell: Maybe, but I'll still get nicer women.
Big Kahuna: We'll let Cindy Carmicheal be the judge of that.
(The camera circles around them from behind and now shows their faces. Behind the
two is a vast empty deck of unfinished and unplanted area.)
(The camera moves with them showing their faces as they talk)
Maxwell: You know, B.K. this retirement idea gets better looking every day.
Big Kahuna: Ha! I knew you'd come around.
Maxwell: Yeah, but we still need somebody to run the ship.
Big Kahuna: Yeah, yeah and that means a crew and civillians...
Maxwell: And tourists.
Big Kahuna: So this captain, we'll need someone with military experience.
Maxwell: Someone who's tough.
Big Kahuna: Someone that we can control, so we don't get overthrown.
(Camera fades to black)
Scene: The two are in the control room on the bridge. They are watching
t.v. and going over files of military personnelle on their computers.
Maxwell: (Looking over computer files) No, no, too old...
Big Kahuna: (looking over computer files) No, no, too white... This guy's
Scene: Camera pans over to the t.v. monitor and captures the start of a news story
about Erin Roberts, a master coporal in the Canadian army. She was dishonourably discharged after disobeying a direct
order, an action that resulted in saving several members of her division.
Big Kahuna: (Looking at t.v.) A woman as captain?
Maxwell: Yeah, she's everything we're looking for.
Big Kahuna: She may be everything you're looking for.
Maxwell: (starts typing on his computer and pulls up her file) She's got experience,
graduated top of her class, she can think for herself.
Big Kahuna: You're lucky that I'm tired of looking, let's go see if she's
Scene: It's seven-thirty AM, Erin Roberts is in her car driving home after a graveyard
shift at a donut place that hired her. As she deals with morning traffic, the song 'Take me to the Kaptin' by Prism
is playing on her car radio.
Scene: Erin Roberts parks her car on the street in front os her apartment. She
gets out of the car and begins walking towards her building. She sees Big Kahuna and Maxwell.
Maxwell: Ms. Roberts?
Erin: I don't have any money.
Big Kahuna: Excuse me?
Erin: People beg around here all the time, why don't you go somewhere else?
Maxwell: Oh, no, you misunderstand. I'm Maxwell Bishop and this is my associate,
Erin: Collection agency? F@ck you people don't waste any time, do you? I only missed one payment.
Big Kahuna:(Losing his patience) We're here to offer you a job.
Erin: What kind of job?
Maxwell: An executive position, so to speak.
Big Kahuna: Yeah, you see my partner and I own several businesses and we need someone
to manage them.
Erin:(Looks them over as she unlocks the door to her building) Come on in.
(The trio enter the apartment)
Erin: (Leading them up the steps and into the hall) I just finished a graveyard
shift at 'Happy's Donuts' I'm a bit tired.
Maxwell: I understand.
Erin: So, if you guys are headhunters for a business, shouldn't you be scoping
out the competition?
Big Kahuna: We've seen the competition, we want to do better.
Erin:(Arrives at her apartment and sees an eviction notice taped to her door. She
sighs) When do we start?
Scene: Onboard the Espial. Maxwell, Big Khuna and Erin are on the beach deck.
They are on an outdoor patio overlooking the beach just outside a gigantic hotel the Maxwell and Big Kahuna built. The
patio is part of a bar called 'Big Kahuna's'. It is bright and summery warm and very much like a real beach.
Erin: So, where are we?
Maxwell: In orbit, about ten thousand miles from the moon.
Erin: Your saying this is a...?
Big Kahuna:(placing a glass of orange juice on the table for her) A spaceship.
Erin:(Pointing to the Orange juice) Is there vodka in that?
Big Kahuna: Not yet.
Erin: So, you want me to manage a bar and a hotel on a spaceship?
Maxwell: Actually, we want you to manage the spaceship.
Big Kahuna: Yeah, like a captain.
Maxwell: As you can appreciate, my associate and I put a lot of work into building
Erin:(Looking around the beach and everything surrounding her) Yeah, I'm guessing
Big Kahuna: And now we want to rest. You know, enjoy what we have achieved.
Erin: So you want to leave all the maintainence problems to me?
Maxwell: Not alone, you can recruit all the help you need.
Big Kahuna: But it will be up to you to train and manage all of those people.
Erin: This is a huge task.
Maxwell: Not really, you can make it as simple as you want.
Big Kahuna: The ship has temendous automation, you can start by assisting us with
our trade, food , oil, gasoline, exporting and selling stuff.
Maxwell: You see, Ms Roberts, Being a large spaceship like this actually makes
us kind of a small, developing nation. In order for us to afford things we need to build an economy.
Big Kahuna: So, what do you say?
Erin: (Looking around in amazement) Sure.
Big Kahuna:(Pouring a shot of vodka into her orange juice) Welcome aboard, captain.
Erin: (sips her screwdriver) Let's start the tour.
(They all get up from their chairs and begin walking towards the doors that lead
into the hotel. Walking through the hotel they eventually get to the main desk and then outside the front of it.
Surrounding them are a dozen buildings)
Erin:(Reading a sign outside the hotel) Strange beach hotel. Strange beach?
Maxwell: It's a beach in space, you don't get much stranger.
Erin: Right, how many rooms?
Maxwell: Ten floors, one hundred rooms, three bars, three restaurants, four convention
rooms, two souvenir shops, one spa and, of course, waterslides.
Erin: Well equipped, where's the casino?
Big Kahuna: We got two of them across the street.
(They cross the paved street and stand before two side by side casinos)
Erin: (Reading) Poseidon's palace and El Diablos? Who names these places?
Big Kahuna: Maxwell named the casinos.
Maxwell: Contrasting themes, fire and water.
(They keep walking and come across a restaurant)
Erin: (Reading) Mange essa? ...Eat this?
Maxwell: It's an Italian restaurant.
Erin: Yeah but, Eat this, what were you thinking.
Big Kahuna: It's the only italian he knows.
Erin: And this? Tacos del gatos? Ick!
Maxwell:(To Big Kahuna) I told you that meant 'Tacos of cat'.
Big Kahuna: Not 'made of cat' 'of the cat' as in, I'm a cool cat.
Erin: (Smirking as she puts her arms around both of them) You boys really need
Scene: The three of them start walking towards the ten elevator tubes that rise
up to the other decks. Erin looks around, impressed by the size and grandeur of the ship.
Scene: They board the elevator and begin their ascent. On the way up Erin
looks through the glass doors and tube and watches as deck after deck go by.
Erin: Just how big this is this thing?
(Big Kahuna and Maxwell look at each other and chuckle)
Erin: Oh, grow up.
Maxwell: It's fifteen decks, each deck is fifteen miles in diameter.
Erin: So, do you guys have a plan for all of this?
Big Kahuna: Housing, farming, tourism, that kind of thing.
Erin: And what kind of training program do you offer?
Scene: The three disembark the elevator and walk into the control room on the bridge
Big Kahuna: (Handing her a large, thick book) Here's your operator's manual.
You can take all the time you need to read it.
Erin: (Taking the book) Right... So this is the bridge?
Maxwell: Yeah, but you will begin training in the learning control room.
It's a life size simulator that's located down the hall.
Big Kahuna: Welcome aboard, captain. (He and Maxwell start to walk away)
Erin: Hey, wait, (Catches up to them) you can't expect me to just jump into this.
Maxwell: We don't.
Big Kahuna: Our plan is to give you two Earth years to learn the ropes, as it were.
Erin: Right, and what about the crew?
Maxwell: A little impatient, aren't we?
Big Kahuna: Really. Captain Roberts, take your time, read it, learn
it, there's no rush.
Erin: No rush, huh? Okay.
(Maxwell and Big Kahuna get on the elevator as Erin turns back towards the control
room and begins her learning)
Scene: Erin reading and trying to figure out their charts and figures. It
becomes evident that Maxwell and Big Kahuna are not rocket scientists. The information is informal and somewhat jagged.
Scene: Bored and frustrated, Erin walks out of the control room carrying the book
Scene: Erin exploring the ship. Seeing empty rooms, empty galleys,
whole decks of empty space just waiting to be filled with something.
Scene: Erin riding the elevator down to the storage decks beneath the bridge deck
and sees the materials and the robots for the first time.
Scene: Erin opens a door with her password and inside sees a room literally full
of money. Billions in cash, all in small bills.
Scene: Erin gets on the elevator and rides up to the beach deck. Getting
off the elevator, she gets into an electric jeep and begins driving to the mansions of Maxwell and Big Kahuna.
Scene: Erin approaching the fron door of Big Kahuna's Mansion. She's just
about to ring the doorbell when she hears a woman's voice and Big Kahuna talking to her. She turns and walks away.
Scene: Erin up in the elevator, looking for Maxwell from the higher vantage point.
She spots him on the far end of the island with a woman on the beach.
Scene: Maxwell and a strange woman are on the beach. A blanket beneath them
and a picnic basket beside them. They are drinking pink champagne and Maxwell is amorous.
Woman: Wow, you don't talk much.
Maxwell: My mouth has better things to do than talk. (Keeps kissing her)
Enter Erin: (Quietly observing)
Woman: This is the wildest dream I've ever had. (Getting into it)
Maxwell: (Stops briefly to look at her) I'm busy.
Erin: So, you expect me to do all the work while you screw around all day?
Maxwell: We can talk later.
Erin: We have a problem.
Maxwell: (Still kissing the woman) Talk to Big Kahuna.
Erin: He's busy with a woman.
Maxwell: So am I.
Erin: Yeah, but when he does it, it looks cool.
Maxwell: And this doesn't?
Erin: Come on, we have work to do.
Maxwell: It can wait.
Erin:(To woman) Do you even have a clue what's going on?
Woman: I'm dreaming, my dreams always go sour.
Maxwell:(To woman) Yeah, yeah, that's it your dreaming, and believe me this won't
Erin:(Grabbing Maxwell's ear) NOW! (Turns to woman) Yeah, it's gone sour, time to wake
Maxwell:(Reacting in pain as he presses the button on his wrist control and sends
the woman back to her home)
Erin: You sleaze bag.
Maxwell: Hey, this is insubordination.
Erin: So? I could not help but notice you guys have billions in cash in storage.
Maxwell: Yeah, its our reserves. (Tries to reagain his composure)
Erin: It's a stupid idea. I say we bring that money to a bank and start
Maxwell: Uh, we can't.
Erin: Why not?
Maxwell: Kahuna and I kinda sold a bunch of gasoline, illegally without paying
duty or taxes or anythng.
Erin: Okay, so we need to launder it.
Maxwell: No, we need to just relax. In time, we'll bring up tourists, star
up the casinos and eventuallyeverything will take of itself.
Erin: You are nuts.
Maxwell: Will you relax. Look, we've got a lot of stuff to buy on Earth and
we need to take this big project step-by-step. Rome was not built in a day.
Erin: You're right, so let's start building.
Maxwell: Right now?
Erin: Your captain has spoken. First thing we need to do is set up some financial
trade, something solid. Do you have anything we could use for collateral?
Maxwell: We have gold. Only a few tons but...
Erin: That'll do. Let's go.
Scene: Maxwell, Erin and Big Kahuna are on Earth, walking into the International
bank building in New York City.
Maxwell: I still think she's being impatient.
Big Kahuna: You're just mad 'cause you ain't getting any.
Maxwell: It's not that, I just think we could do be doing better.
Erin: Well, we're here now, so deal with it.
Scene: They approach the main desk and begin talking to the man sitting behind
Erin: Greetings, to whom would I speak to about opening an account.
Man at desk: RIght, you do realize that we are not a commercial bank. You
can take your allowance and go to first national.
Big Kahuna: Uh-huh, my allowance. Do I look like a twelve year-old?
Man at the desk: Excuse me?
Maxwell: What my associate is saying, is that we 'Know' what kind of bank this
is. We have a large supply of gold and wish to open an account, now please, whom would we need to speak to?
Man at desk: Just a minute. (Picks up the phone and dials) Yes, Ms Mckenzie?
There are some gentlemen here to see you.
Scene: Other end of phone conversation. A young woman in her late twenties
hangs up her phone and begins walking out of her office. She passes her secretary's desk.
Janet Mckenzie: Sally, do I have any appointments right now?
Sally: No, ma'am.
Janet: If that asshole is jerking my chain I'll see to it that he's fired.
Scene: We follow Janet Mckenzie as she approaches the three.
Janet: Hi, Janet Mckenzie, what can I do for you?
Erin: Captain Erin Roberts, nice to meet you. These are my partners
Maxwell Bishop and Big Kahuna.
Erin: We would like to open a national account.
Janet: A national account? Well that would require a very large deposit...
How do wish to do this?
Erin: We have the deposit.
Man at the desk: They have gold.
Janet: RIght, you see here's the deal, we don't have time to...
Big Kahuna: Neither do we.(Pushes a button on his wrist controller and he, Maxwell,
Erin and Janet all disappear)
Scene: Gold storage room on the Espial. Janet is looking around confused
Janet: What is this?
Maxwell:(To Janet) Are you free for dinner tonight?
Erin: Uh, what my horndog friend is saying is how soon can we begin doing business?
Janet:Where did you get all this gold?
Erin: Sunken ships.
Janet: Sunken ship?
Erin: Yes, galleons, transport ships, pirate ships that kind of thing.
Janet: RIght. (Looks over the gold reserve) Just how much is here?
Big Kahuna: Couple of tons.
Janet: If this were from sunken ships, it would be mostly gold coins, would it
Erin: it was, we melted it into bars. So much easier this way.
Maxwell: Yeah, the coins were all disfigured but the gold was there.
Janet: Well... Where are we?
Big Kahuna: You're on a spaceship called the Espial.
Big Kahuna: It's another word for discovery, look I don't care for the name either
Janet:Oh boy... (Faints)
Maxwell: Oh, that's just great. Now what do we do?
Big Kahuna: Take her to my bar, I'll make her a martini.
Scene: Maxwell, Big Kahuna, Erin and Janet are sitting in Big Kahuna's bar.
Janet is still unconcious.
Janet: Whaa...?? Wow, what a strange... (Looks around) That was
Maxwell: (Handing her a Martini) Nope, Olive?
Janet: (Taking the drink) No, thanks. (Takes a sip a nods in approval) You
didn't get that gold from sunken ships, did you?
Big Kahuna: Well, that's our story. You see, if people knew the truth then
gold prices would plummet and world economies would collapse.
Erin: So, will you help us?
Janet: I'll do what I can. Set up a few accounts, invest in some bonds and
Erin: Then, as captain of the ship, I dub thee Honourable Janet McKenzie, Minister
of Finance for the space nation of Espial.
Janet: Okay. (Smiles and is overwhelmed by the size of the ship) So, if you're
going to bring people up here, you'll need security.
Erin: Yes and policing.
Janet: And medical services, hospitals, doctors, etc...
Erin: Of course. And schools, colleges...
Janet: We can set up banks and draw up mortgages, gain money and re-invest it in our
Erin: We can form our own currency.
Janet: We'd have to... And government offices...
Camera pans back over to Big Kahuna as he leans back in his chair. He and
Maxwell are relaxed and enjoying their drinks.
Big Kahuna: Let the vacation begin.
Camera jerks back to the to Erin and Janet they immediately stop talking and look
at the two men.
Janet: Yeah, Vacation? No, no, no, no, no, your work has just started.
Big Kahuna: Excuse me?
Janet: Well, somebody's gotta build all this stuff. And seeing as you two
are the ones with experience...
Maxwell: I knew there was a catch.
Scene: The four of them on an empty Deck 14 building a very large hospital.
Erin: (Staring at the completed building) It's a start.
Scene: The four building apartments and condos on Deck 15 to be used as crew quarters.
Scene: Back at Big Kahuna's bar enjoying supper and visibly tired from a long work
Erin: Well, it's been a long year but we're finally ready.
Janet: Yep, we are all set to bring up a skelton crew.
Big Kahuna: Amen.
Janet: Speaking of our crew, what are we going to do to recruit people?
Erin: The internet would be the easiest. We could scan some university files
and transcripts, find competent people and offer them positions.
Janet: Fantastic, let's go to the bridge.
Maxwell: Go ahead.
Big Kahuna: Yeah, knock yourselves out.
Erin: You two aren't coming?
Maxwell: Too tired.
Janet: Okay, then I guess Erin and I will hire an all male crew and...
Maxwell and Big Kahuna:(Both standing up) Whoahh.. no.. not gonna happen...
(Erin and Janet smile at each other)
Scene: The four are on the bridge selecting their crew nominees and sending E-Mails
to invite the new graduates onboard.
Scene: Big Kahuna and Maxwell sitting at a table inside a conference room in the
'Strange Beach Inn'. They are waiting for Erin and Janet to bring up the first batch of candidates. In front of
them is an empty 'rope maze' to guide and keep order for the hundred students that are on their way up.
(Enter Erin and Janet with the students they gathered. The two women direct
the the candidates to the rope maze and maintain order.)
Scene: Big Kahuna looks over his first interviewee as she sits in the chair before
Big Kahuna: (Looking at the young woman dressed in green hospital scrubs)
Let me guess, med school?
Woman: Lora Smith, MD. Nice to meet you, Mr...
Big Kahuna: Big Kahuna. (Shakes her hand) Nice to meet you. (Fills out and stamps
a paper then hands it to her.) You are now our chief of staff at our excellent, albeit poorly named, 'Our lady Venus'
Lora: Our Lady Venus?
Big Kahuna: I apologize, talk to the white boy. (Points to Maxwell)
Lora: (Accepting her position) So, accomadtions? Provisions? What now?
Big Kahuna: Deck fifteen is the crew quarters, you can't miss it. The paper
explains pretty much everything, any questions you can ask us at any time. The hospital is on Deck fourteen, it's empty
now but its all yours.
(Lora smiles and stands up with her new position.)
(Camera pans over to Erin Roberts standing before the crowd)
Erin: Those who have your positions, please come with me.
Big Kahuna: The captain has spoken.
(Camera pans back to Maxwell Bishop)
Maxwell: Next. (Looks up and sees a young girl with pale skin, dressed in
plain black and white clothing) You're a bit young for college.
Holly: It's a sign of good living, which is probably more than I can say for the
livestock up here.
Maxwell: The cows have it good, the horses are almost jealous.
Holly: I'll bet. So where is your farm?
Maxwell: We have several farms, ranches, orchards, etc... Miss...
Holly: Holly, I'm your new agricultural minister. (Grabs her paper) Thanks.
(Gets up and starts walking away)
Maxwell: Welcome aboard.
(Camera pans to Big Kahuna)
Big Kahuna: Miss Tracy Glass, Oceanologist.
Tracy: I'm here to save your whales.
Big Kahuna: Well, I don't think they're quite that big but okay...(Stands up and
grabs his fly)
Tracy: No, your whales... In the ocean.
Big Kahuna: Oh, right... (Sits down and hands her a paper) Welcome
(Tracy accepts her paper and leaves)
Scene: Students file through the conference room with their new positions and begin
walking throughout the Hotel and the Ship.
Scene: Big Kahuna and Maxwell are on break at Big Kahuna's bar. They are
Big Kahuna: Now that is a tasty burger...
Maxwell: Yeah, what happened, it's like my tastebuds just sprang to life.
(Enter the new chef, a college graduate) I'm glad you like it.
Big Kahuna: You made this? Miss...
Big Kahuna: Excuse me?
Samantha: Chef Samantha Black, nice to meet you.
Big Kahuna: Oh, right, your name... Yeah, nice to meet you. (Shakes her hand)
I'm Big Kahuna, I own this bar.
Samantha: I know, it's going to be a nice place, once I get through with it.
Big Kahuna: (To Maxwell) Wha? What did she mean by 'When she gets through
Maxwell: It means the entire ship is getting a woman's touch.
Big Kahuna: Maybe the stuff you did, that needs improvement. But this?
This is perfect.
(Enter Erin): Did you know that cows give off methane?(Sits down and joins them)
Maxwell: Yeah, and the force fields contain it all, we're safe.
Erin: Maybe we are but some of your cows are getting sick, according to Holly they
Maxwell: Cows can get tumors?
Erin: (Nods) And the hospital needs a lot of equipment, it seems we've overlooked
a tremendous amount of stuff. Plus, the crew quarters are too small and the sea water is too hot. Bottomline,
we have got a lot of things to fix. It's good thing we brought up a crew quickly, otherwise we'd be in total ignorance.
Maxwell: Ignorance is bliss.
Erin: (Smiles and sighs) I don't know, guys, we could be biting off more than we
Maxwell: Now she agrees with us. (Smiles smugly)
Erin: I had no idea the ship was in such bad shape. Maybe if you two built
(Maxwell and Big Kahuna look at her defensively)
Erin:...We'd never have this much fun. (Her pager starts beeping. She reads the
display and reacts) Oh, great.
Erin: Security alert, apparently somebody is trying to hack into the simulator.
Big Kahuna: Is the control room secure?
Erin: Yes, the control room is fine, it's good thing we don't label all our doors,
they probably think they're getting onto the bridge. (Stands up) Well, let's see who the criminals are.
Maxwell: (Standing up) We better go with you.
Big Kahuna: We?
Maxwell: Come on, it's our first mutiny, you don't wanna miss this.
(Big Kahuna grabs his burger and stands up to join them.)
Scene: Outside the door to the simulator. Two students, Trey Johnson and
Brent Landers are trying to hack their way in. Using Trey's laptop computer connected to the ship with alligator clips.
Brent: Dude, are you sure you can hack into this?
Trey: I can hack into anything, dude. Who got you that 'A' in physics? (Watches
the monitor) Come on, baby, once we comandeer this hulk we can go anywhere we please.
(Enter a trio of students, Marty Staal, Alicia Diamond and Andy VanDuesberg.)
Marty: And just where, exactly, would you take us?
Alicia: More importantly. How would you get us there?
Brent: Hey, check it out, the geek patrol.
Trey: Yeah. (Taps on a few keys) Got it!
(They all watch in silent awe as the door opens and reveals the computers that
they think control the ship.)
Trey: Brent, the ship is ours.
(The five students enter the simulator and get a good look around.)
Brent: Dude, we are there.
(Enter Erin): Where, exactly?
(Enter Maxwell and Big Kahuna)
Erin: Just what do you think you're doing?
Big Kahuna: Been here ten minutes and already you're starting a mutiny.
Andy: Mutiny?! Us? No, no... We were trying to stop them.
Big Kahuna: Were you now? Well you did a lousy job of it.
Maxwell: (To Trey, humouring him) What were you planning to do?
Trey: FInally solve the conspiracy.
Erin: What conspiracy?
Brent: The whole fake moon landing thing.
Trey: Yeah, there's no way they could have done that.
Erin: Well, they did.
Alicia: Yeah, everybody knows that. You want to solve a real mystery?
Let's go to Io and see what kind of life it has.
Andy: Or check out a supernova?
Alicia: Yeah, (Looks at Erin) It's a good thing you got here, captain, these
two failed physics and they would have crashed us into something immediately.
Trey: Would not!
Alicia: (To Trey) Would too!
Trey: Would not!
Marty: Fine, take the controls.
Brent and Trey: Huh?
Alicia: Yeah, good idea Marty, take the helm, drive this thing.
Brent: Dude, nerd girl here just gave us a challenge.
Trey:(Looking at Alicia) Yeah, you think we can't do this. (Turns and approaches
a control panel) Brent, dude, let's set course for the moon.
Alicia: This should be good.
Erin: I'm kind of looking forward to this myself.
Trey: Brent, you got navigation controls?
Brent: I think so, this should be a course heading.
Trey: Cool, I got the helm, engage engines.
(The simulator comes to life with charts and star maps as the sounds of the engines
starting up fills the room. Maxwell, Big Kahuna and Erin all look at each other with sarcasm.)
Brent: Visuals on, starmaps are active.
Trey: Engaging engines. We are breaking free from orbit.
Brent: Dude, we're moving awfully fast.
Trey: No guts no glory.
Alicia: Yeah, and no brakes either.
Trey: Shut-up. Brent, we need some retro-action.
Brent: Yeah, I know... (Looks over controls) This should be it. (Almost pushes
Alicia: NO! (Stops him by grabbing his hand) If you slam on the brakes, the inertia
will kill us all.
Trey: (Hearing an alarm) Dude, we're in the moon's gravitational pull...
Brent: I know, but...
Alicia: Marty, ready the side rockets, we gotta change course.
(Marty goes to a third navigational consul and re-sets course)
Andy: I'll prep the dampening field, we're in for a bumpy ride.
Maxwell: Dampening field?
Andy: Don't you watch 'Star Trek' their whole ship has an internal force field that restricts
inertia. Now where is it?
Big Kahuna: 'Star Trek'?
(Maxwell shrugs his shoulders)
Big Kahuna: (To Maxwell) Do we HAVE a dampening field?
Maxwell: I don't think so.
Erin: (Turning to both of them) WHAT?
Alicia: Hang on to something, we're turning.
Marty: We're going too fast.
(They all scream as they watch the moon go past them at very close range.)
(All goes quiet as they watch the visual of the ship get torn apart by gravity.)
Alicia: We should have made that, the calculations were there.
Andy: Yeah, but the dampening field wasn't. The inertia tore us apart.
(Erin turns to face Maxwell and Big Kahuna): We need to talk.
Marty: If the ship got torn apart then... Why are we still here?
Alicia: Kinda obvious. This is a simulator.
Trey: These aren't the real controls?
Alicia: NO, there not. Lucky for you.
Marty: Yeah, this stupid stunt would have killed us all. Dumb ass.
Erin: (Biting her lip in anger still facing Big Kahuna and Maxwell) Okay, we need
an internal force field and... Anything else these kids say we need! How dare you risk our lives like this?
Big Kahuna and Maxwell:(Shrugging shoulders) Um... Huh?... well...
Erin:(Turns to Marty, Alicia, Andy, Trey and Brent) You! You're my crew,
we're gonna work on this and fill in the gaps to make this thing ship-shape. (Turns to Maxwell and Big Kahuna) You two,
help the others fix whatever else you did wrong.
(Maxwell and Big Kahuna react with some surprise and leave quietly)
Scene: Inside the elevator, Big Kahuna and Maxwell are descending to the beach
deck. On Deck 2 Holly gets on the elevator and begins a discussion.
Holly: There you are. Okay listen up, your cows are sick, your horses are
nauseous and your sheep are lonely.
Maxwell: Our sheep are lonely?
Holly: Yeah, they're all ewes.
Big Kahuna: Use what?
Holly: Not use, ewes.
Maxwell: We know they're ours, what's wrong with them?
Holly: There all female you morons! (Slaps Maxwell's forehead) Ewes!
Big Kahuna: Well, why didn't you say so?
Maxwell: Yeah, you go using all this high tech jargon on us...
Holly: (Reacts in frustration) Augh!
(The elevator stops at the beach deck and all three disembark. Immediately,
Tracy approaches them.)
Tracy: Your ocean is two degrees too hot.
Big Kahuna: So?
Tracy: So? It's too hot, you're cooking microscopic bacteria and spreading
toxins at an alarming rate. We need to cool it down.
Big Kahuna: We can't be too hot, we got our data from off the coast of Florida
and we linked up to Florida state university's data gathering bouy's, it should be accurate.
Tracy: Afraid not, those bouy's are old and have not been recalibrated in a long
while. Your data is off.
Big Kahuna: Do you have any idea how hard it's going to be to cool down 286 cubic
miles of seawater?
Tracy: Then we better get started. Or else we could just sit and watch the
Big Kahuna: Come on, the real ocean is huge, the temperature must be that hot someplace.
Tracy: Yeah, at greater depths where geo-thermal heating transpires. Your
currently promoting growth of anaerobic microbes and that...
Big Kahuna: Okay, okay, enough... We'll cool down the water.
Maxwell: We'll make huge blocks of ice at Lobster island.
Maxwell: Lobster island. It's our lobster, crab, mussel... Well, all
shellfish, hatchery. A big and cold aquarium.
Tracy: Gee, this just gets better, how cold is Lobster island?
Maxwell: Arctic ocean type coldness.
Tracy: Oh boy... (Not impressed) You do realize that some species of
shellfish require tropical conditions to breed. Take me to Lobster island, hopefully we can fix several problems at
Samantha: Lobster? Awesome, bring back about a dozen big ones and make sure they're
Big Kahuna: See, now she's speaking my language.
Maxwell: Yeah, lucheonese.
Big Kahuna and Samantha: What?
Tracy: As Fisheries Minister, it is my responsibility to ensure the safety and
health of all sealife. The way things are being run around here, I wouldn't trust eating any fish.
Holly: She's right. You guys made some bad judgement calls but don't worry,
we can fix it.
Samantha: Oh, guys before you go... We're running out of food.
Big Kahuna: Great. (Sarcastically)
Maxwell: Well, just go on up to my ranch and slaughter some cows.
Samantha: Done, I'm on my way.
Holly: Didn't you hear me? Your cows are sick.
Maxwell: WIth what?
Holly: I don't know, motion sickness.
Samantha: So, it may not be Kobe beef but as long its not mad cow disease or something
Holly: It's not Madcow disease.
Big Kahuna: Then what's the problem? We've been eating this stuff since you
got here and nobody is complaining.
Samantha: Or we could just do nothing and starve to death.
Holly: Can't we buy food from Earth?
Samantha: No, we're independent now and have to start talking care of ourselves.
Maxwell: Amen. Big Kahuna, you go with them and help out.
Big Kahuna: I don't wanna kill no cows! Rock, paper, scissors. (Holds hands
out for a game)
Maxwell: Okay. (They play and Maxwell wins) Ha, I get to take Tracy to Lobster
Big Kahuna: Okay, I'll go with them, but I ain't gonna watch.
(Exit Holly, Samantha and Big Kahuna)
Tracy: (To Maxwell) Can we go now?
(The pair get into an electric jeep and drive to 'Port Espial')
Scene: Port Espial, a large dock on the far side of the island, away from strange
beach. Maxwell and Tracy get into a large sailing vessel and shove off for Lobster Island.
Scene: A calm ocean. Tracy and Maxwell are piloting their ship towards Lobster
Island. As she tares out at the ocean, Tracy begins a conversation.
Tracy: So, why did you do all this?
Maxwell: Do all what?
Tracy: Build this ship, stock it up with everything...
Maxwell: Well, it's complicated, but to make a long story short, it's because we
don't like the world down there.
Tracy: You mean Earth?
Maxwell: No, Earth is the planet, the planet is fine, it's the people who are need
Tracy: So that's why you did this, to help us?
Maxwell: Well, let's just say that reality offers no options.
Tracy: Of course not, so how long did all this take? Or was it some weird ass slavery
Maxwell: No slaves, we volunteered... Sort of...
Tracy: What it's like? The future, I mean.
Maxwell: Just count your blessings, Tracy. Enjoy all that you have now.
Tracy: And what do I have now?
Maxwell: Freedom, youth, choices... Don't worry about the future.
Tracy: Why not?
Maxwell: Because the future is a shitty place to live.
Scene: They arrive at Lobster Island and dock the ship. Maxwell commences the tour
and shows Tracy everything as she takes down notes and immediately decides what needs fixing and what needs changing.
Scene: The ranch. Samantha, Holly and Big Kahuna are teaching a group of
agricultural students how to slaughter cows and chickens.
Big Kahuna: Welcome, all of you to Espial's Internal Environmental Institute Organization.
Holly: What? Wait... (Quietly) Espial's Internal... (Outloud) E I E I
O? No, no way I'm working for a farming organization called E I E I O.
Big Kahuna: E I E I O...? I'm gonna talk to Maxwell about changing that.
Holly: Good. (Turns to the students) Now that we're serious, we have some chores
Student 1: What?
Holly: Slaughtering chickens and cows.
All students: Aughh... (Groan in reaction)
Holly: You all want to eat, right?
Student 2: Yeah, but I have a degree in fine cuisine.
Samantha: I do too. We're all in this together.
Student 3: But I'm a Veterinarian, I should be saving their lives not killing them.
Samantha: Do you want food or not?
Students: Yeah... Sure...
Samantha: End of story, let's do this.
Scene: The slaughter begins as Big Kahuna becomes visibly sickened by the sight
of it. Samantha and Holly surprisingly have no trouble with the kill or the sight of blood.
Samantha: Big Kahuna, you okay?
Big Kahuna: I'm gonna get Bishop for this... Why are you killing all those
Samantha: Good beef needs to be aged twenty-eight days, 'til then, we eat chicken...
Or lamb chops. (Holds up an axe)
Big Kahuna: Oooomph...(Gets ill) I never wanted to see this stuff.
Scene: Later on. Big Kahuna and Maxwell are at Big Kahuna's bar on strange
beach. They are drinking martinis and taking a much needed break.
Big Kahuna: Well, the food supply should be up to an adequate level. We did
a good size slaughter and Holly approved our grain crops and such.
Maxwell: That's good to hear, that and the fact that Tracy saved our ocean and
the sealife within, I'm amazed at how devoted these kids are.
Big Kahuna: Tell me about it.
(Enter Erin): Well... (Sits down and joins them) The crew has found a number
of problems, I put them down on this list. (Plops down a pile of fifty sheets of paper)
Maxwell: A number of problems, huh?
Erin: It's a big number. They checked out all of our systems, got engineers
to look over the bulkheads and the hull and they're still analyzing data, learning as they criticize.
Maxwell: Yeah, we never get any appreciation.
Erin: Actually, they are quite impressed. They question things that I never
Big Kahuna: Such as?
Big Kahuna: Why what? Why did we build this?
Erin: Yeah, why?
Big Kahuna: To save you all from the future.
Erin: Why? What happens in the future?
Maxwell: The inevitable.
Erin: So you did travel back in time to save us.
Maxwell: Actually, our motives were pretty selfish.
Big Kahuna: Yeah, we did it all for us.
Erin: I don't understand.
Maxwell: Space gets pretty lonely, Erin. Guys like Kahuna and I, we have
Erin: (Smiles knowingly in reaction)
Scene: Erin, Maxwell, Big Kahuna and various crew members building barns and farmhouses.
Erin:(voiceover) For six months we toiled, building farms and expanding the acres
of fertile soil.
Scene: Crew members constructing buildings for schools and businesses.
Erin: (voiceover) It was strange to say the least, we were a community of two
hundred young people living in space independantly. We learned to be self sufficient.
Scene: On the bridge, Brent, Trey, Alicia, Marty, Andy and Erin are learning about
the ship and how to pilot it through space.
Erin: (Voiceover) We solved many problems and found new ways to navigate through
the solar system. Near the asteroid belt we set up teams of robots to begin mining resources for the construction of
a second ship. We knew this project would take a very long time and it would be necessary for us to have more living
space in the future. In the meantime we all made tremendous discoveries of the power of the ESPIAL.
Scene: Maxwell standing with a group of engineers on one of the residential decks.
Around them are empty houses and empty streets. It is snowing and the ship's engineers appear happy.
Maxwell: (Snidely commenting) There's no way I'm shovelling that.
Erin:(Voiceover) With our new found strengths and confidence, we all decided that
it was time to open our doors to other citizens of Earth.
Scene: Erin, Maxwell and Big Kahuna in a meeting with crew members in charge of
marketing and promotions, they are looking over drawings and ideas to advertise the ESPIAL.
Erin: (Voiceover) We were taking a huge risk.
Scene: Erin, Maxwell and Big Kahuna sitting in their usual table at Big Kahuna's
bar. In the background new workers and tourists get transported aboard and begin their tours and orientations with various
Erin: It's starting to shape-up. The businesses are running smoothly and
we're getting good reviews from the few tourists who we've already transported onboard.
Big Kahuna: They really don't look much like tourists... More like, scouts
for big business.
Maxwell: I hear ya, B.K. I don't want a bunch of franchises up here either.
Erin: Yeah, we can figure out all that later. Right now we need to make plans
for the fifteen world leaders who are coming to visit. They are dignitaries and will demand the most attention.
Big Kahuna: Yeah, I'm not one-hundred percent on that.
Erin: They expressed serious interest, they want to know what's going on up here.
Big Kahuna: Will this make us a member of the U.N.?
Maxwell: We'd pretty much have to. Remember, we are the big bad space aliens.
Erin: Right, these world leaders want to see our operations. They have just
as much right to enjoy this as anyone else does.
Maxwell: And so do these non-world leaders.
Erin: We are not setting up some isolated kingdom, okay... We need connections,
allies, business partners...
Big Kahuna: Sure, but let's keep in mind who is in charge onboard. This is
our ship, not theirs.
Maxwell: It's our ship but for how long? It's a big ship, B.K., we can't
be everywhere at once.
Big Kahuna: No, we can't. But we also can't let humanity fall into the same
Erin: Can we please just take this one step at a time? We are going to have
fifteen dginitaries and their entourages onboard in less than a week and we need to plan out everything.
Maxwell: Reserve the other hotel, the Strange Beach Inn, Uranus.
Big Kahuna: Why did you start naming our hotels after planets?
Maxwell: Because numbers bore me.
Erin: Yeah, the reservations are taken care of and so is the security protocol.
It's the tours and meetings that I'm working on.
Maxwell: How much is all of this going to cost us?
Erin: You don't want to know. But Janet says it's nessecary to make diplomatic
connections. If they give us their approval then they will allow businesses government contracts for research and development.
There will be no end to what mankind can achieve.
Enter Janet with a following of politicians: Captain Roberts, Big Kahuna, Maxwell. Meet U.S.
President Robert Willows, His chief advisor, Anderson Smith, and his personal assistant, Sandy MacMillan... And to my left
is Russian Prime Minister, Leonid Dvark and his advisor, Nastaja Colbach.
(Big Kahuna, Maxwell and Erin stand and greet their guests)
Erin: Pleasure to meet you. (Shakes hands)
Leonid: The Pleasure is all mine. (Kisses her hand)
Col. Smith: It should be, the way your space station is falling apart, you're gonna
need their help bigtime.
Maxwell: Is that the MIR 02 Station, Mr. Prime Minister?
Leonid: You've heard of it?
Maxwell: Yeah. Let's just say it's going to outlast all of us.
Prime Minister Dvark: (Smiles) It better, it cost Russia big Rubles.
Col. Smith: Yeah, that old joke... When can we see the bridge?
President Willows: Now Colonel, let's not be rude. We have plenty of time
to tour the ship.
Col Smith: With all due respect, Mr. President, the sooner we secure the craft
(Big Kahuna, Maxwell and Erin all look at each other)
Erin: I assure you, Mister President, our ship is highly secure.
Col. Smith: Oh, really? Have you done a thorough background check on each
President Willows: What Colonel Smith is saying, is that we are having problems in America
with terrorists. That whole 9-11 thing has a few of us on edge.
Erin: Yeah, I saw that on the news but what does that have to do with us?
Col. Smith: Well, up here in the cosmos you do have a certain advantage.
Erin: We love Earth.
President Willows: And Earth loves you, we just all want to get along and be friendly
in this new galactic neighbourhood.
Big Kahuna: We are friendly enough. (Looks at Janet) How far along are you
on the tour?
Janet: We just got here, arrived early.
Big Kahuna: So our guests are settled in?
Janet: They are setting them up in the Hotel as we speak.
Big Kahuna: Good.
Maxwell: Yeah, I'm sure you gentlemen will be real impressed by our farms.
Wide open spaces and such...
President Willows: We'll leave all of that to our Department of Agriculture.
Erin: Department of what???
President Willows: And of course our Military advisors will be brought onboard
to make recommendations...
Maxwell: Whaoh... This is just suppose to be a visit. Why does it sound
like you're trying to move in?
Col. Smith: I knew there would be resistance.
Big Kahuna: Resistance?! This is our ship, we run it our way not yours.
Janet: Gentlemen, please. If we could just show a little decorum...
Maxwell: What about Mr. Prime Minister here, Len, what do you think?
Prime Minister Dvark: The ship looks good, so far. I believe you should have
Col. Smith: Let me put this in terms you can understand. We have a serious
situation on Earth. Terrorism is huge pot of trouble just wanting to overboil and...
Maxwell: And you think that we're going to be overrun by the bad guys.
Col. Smith: What I 'Think' is irrelevant. But many American citizens have
concerns that need to be looked into.
Erin: Well, I assure you, Colonel. We are not harbouring any terrorists.
Col. Smith: Then you have nothing to hide, let's see the bridge.
Erin: Fine. (They all rise from their chairs and make their way to the elevators.)
Col. Smith:(Looking at the elevator tubes): Holy Crap! How far does that
Maxwell: All the way, Colonel. About three miles.
Erin: Hope your not afraid of heights.
(They split up and board two separate elevators.)