Theorotica (C)James Janos,2002
Sheldon Hitler (Copyright James Janos, 2007)
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Sheldon Hitler (Copyright James Janos, 2007)
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         My name is Sheldon Hitler (no relation) and I am just starting grade ten.  I may be a short skinny kid but I know that if I seriously apply myself, I could be leader of the student counsil (despite my name and all).  This is a blog of my progress...

     September 12, 2007
                 Riding the bus to school this morning I actually felt optimistic.  A new school, mostly new students who don't know me yet and therefore a chance to make good first impressions, I hope. 
           Things were going very well until that fateful stop at Maple street, this was where my friend, Ashley, got on the bus.  Ashley is a tad overweight but I can see her for being more than just a fat-chick, she's actually quite cool, at least she was... 
       Today she completely forgot herself.  You see she broke her arm over the labour day weekend when we were involved in our annual 'Twister' marathon (The game, not the movie).  Left leg blue, right arm... broken...  owww....  (Apparently she sweats a bit more every year.)
       Anyway, today the pain killers were working overtime and in her happy-go-lucky mood she tried to wave to me when she boarded the bus.  (For three days I had managed to keep my name a secret, it wasn't going to stay that way). 
     She boards the bus and yells out "Hi, Hitler!" Of course nobody knew of her broken arm because she had been wearing a jacket that covered up her cast and inhibited her ability to wave normally. (She merely elevated her arm at a slight angle). 
     Well, the awkward silence was deafening at best and when she sat beside me I could have sworn a riot would ensue, it didn't but talk about close.
     September 13, 2007
     Well, this is High School... (Like Jr. High but with thirty percent less fights)  Today Ashley was telling me about the play she will be performing in with her drama class (Ironically titled, 'Hats off to burkas').  It's a story about female american soldiers bringing feminism into a Muslim nation,  personally I think it's silly but it is under copyright and it is a musical.  (You really can't argue Rodgers and Hart) (No, the other ones.)
     Anyway, Ashley and I were listening to K-ROCK (The local classic rock station) and they were playing Jimi Hendrix's 'HeyJoe'.  Ashley was not too impressed that Joe 'Shot his ol' lady down'  but we both were amazed at Joe being intelligent enough to go to a non-extradition country after the fact.
     Sunday, September 16  2007
     Last night I made chili. (That pretty much says it all)  Things were going well until Ashley gave me the 'Dutch Oven'. (I'm still a bit dizzy)
      Yeah we were in bed together, She may be fat but she's got original equipment and that's all that matters.  (I don't need to explain any of this, do I?)  You see, our school principal, Mr. Mosski, is currently involved with this ex-dude who used to go by the name Jason but now is known as Trixie.  (We are not entirely sure about the details that implicated Mr. Mosski, lousy publication ban.)  Anyway, if you thought your school is weird just stay tuned.
     So, it's the weekend and Ashley and I are reading the comics in the local paper.  This one comic, 'Family Cyclical' (Like Family Circus but it isn't) Shows the couple's oldest son, Rex, yelling out from the bathroom, "Mommy, why does it burn when I pee??!!"  Ashley and I really don't get it, maybe you do...
     Monday, September 17, 2007
      Ashley swears she saw this today, a 'Dave' Meeting to protect the reputation of Dave.  SERIOUSLY!  Every guy named Dave for miles around had to attend this secret gathering to re-enforce the attitudes, mannerisms and general politeness that is 'Dave'.  Ashley theorizes that this is why all Daves behave the same way and thinks that it also explains why all chinese food tastes the same regardless of where you buy it.
       Speaking of chinese food...
       Today I made my first step towards student union presidency, I joined the school special interest group.  This year they want to raise money for our local Humane Society by selling chinese food in our cafeteria at lunch time while we also offer a dog-care service for busy people.  The title of this event?  Wok Your Dog! (Complete with explanation point) (What a weird school)
     September 18, 2007
      Hats off to Burkas,
           The Burkas we sa-lute,
      With Burkas it don't matter if you're ugly or you're cute....
     DAMN!  Now Ashley's got me singing that lousy song. (Catchy tune though)
     At lunch we launched our fund raising efforts for the Humane Society.  Susan Morgan, our illustrious leader, unveiled the new slogan 'Eat a noodle, Save a Poodle' and we began selling chinese food.
      If you that's bad, you should see the poster we have promoting the Freshmen Dance and frosh event.  It shows pictures of freshmen from previous years getting drenched by water pistols and covered in whipped cream.(Harmless stuff)  Originally it had the slogan 'Hey Freshmen this is your moment of truth!'  but some joker ripped off parts off it and left a large picture of a girl getting squirted in the face with her mouth open and whipped cream on her chin. (The remaining slogan reads 'Hey, this is your mom'.)(GOD Help us)
     September 19, 2007
     Okay, student council elections are in two (Count 'em) two weeks. (October 3rd to be precise).  So Ashley and I are getting serious about my campaign to run for Student Union President.
      She proposed the slogan, 'Once you've had Hitler, the rest will seem littler.' (Complimenting, non?)  She also suggested, 'Hitler, he's bad.' (That one not so much)
       I still like my idea, 'Sheldon puts the 'Hit' in Hitler.'
      Working the fund-raiser at lunch yesterday gave me a small opportunity to meet a few students. (Only a dozen showed for it).  Apparently, some other fund-raiser was going on in the schoolyard, a barbecue no less and cheeseburgers and Miss Daniels in realllly tight shorts always wins over chinese food.  (Miss Daniels is the girls phys-ed teacher, we guys say, "She teaches GYM, wish I was JIM.")(Okay, it's a bad pun but we try) I guess the only thing cheesy around here is my sense of humour. (Although I still question the other fund-raiser's charity to save the endangered MILLF, whatever that is...)
     September 20, 2007
     I learned something today.  Miss Daniels, she's a spy and she's trying to sabotage my presidency.  Let me explain.
     She approached me at the end of our Phys-Ed class, I was cleaning up the balls. (We were having soccer practice)  So Miss Daniels begins talking to me about the student elections and how the sophomors had a better chance at winning.  She's all, "Look at the world leaders...  Genghis Kahn, Ivan the terrible...  Look hard enough into history anf you might even find Nigel the relatively violent but no world leader has ever been named Sheldon."  Then she goes on about how hard it is, thrusting your opinions into peoples faces and polling the electorate.  I got distracted staring at her realllly tight shorts.
     Then she asked me if I wanted to have sex. Before you knew it we were done and she concluded, "This is why you'll never be a world leader."
September 22, 2007
      Well, the frosh event was a real dud.  Apparently everything is illegal now when it comes to frosh or 'hazing' so the best the seniors could do was scowl at us. (That's right, they gave us sour looks for a short time then left.) 
     I was hoping to use this sadistic event to meet and greet fellow students and promote myself for the upcoming elections. (No such luck)
     Well at least I had the freshmen dance to meet people, right?  NO, no I didn't.  You see our rival High School, Saint O'Brian's (S.O.B. for short) They had a dance that same night and everybody from our school went there instead. (The best I could do was dance with Ashley for the first half of 'Stairway to Heaven' (Then the DJ ditched us also)  (DId I mention our school cafeteria introduced to us a new pizza? They call it the Houssein, because it has Saddam many toppings)(God Help ME)
     September 24, 2007
     Well, what can I say? It's Monday for all of us, including my primary competition, Katy Titmouse.  (Yep, that's her name)  It seems that Katy was at the freshmen dance with the other S.O.B.s and a fight broke out when somebody insulted their queen for the evening.  Long story short, Katy was arrested along with the others and the ensuing scandal got her disqualified from student politics.  (Dems the brakes)
     September 25, 2007
     Dyborjah!  (I am feeling so Russian).
     Today was 'Russia day', we studied Soviet history(Remember the fun of the cold war?) and Hockey tactics of the 1972 Olympic team. (Yeah, laugh it up, I had to live through this.)
     I also discovered that all of the previous Student Council leaders and members were all involved in the school's 'Secret Druid society'. (But I am not Druish)
     Anyway, we (All of us candidates) were led into this secret meeting where we were taught the druid ways. (One of which was to keep the secret meeting, secret, ironically enough.)  Anyway, I told Ashley all about this and she and I had huge laugh. 
     That is to say, all WAS fun and games until we got to the cafeteria at lunch hour.  You see, the Druids of our school worship beets for some reason and with it being Russia day and all, they served us Borscht. (Or, 'God Soup'  as Ashley put it.) 
     Long story short, now I'm guilty by association as now the other candidates think I'm 'Anti-Druish'.  (They say it's only fitting) (I hate this school)
      September 26, 2007
     Well, I needed to promote myself for the school elections and it's a good thing I know how to play a few songs on guitar so I was able to spent my lunch hour playing music in the hallways.  (Songs like 'Squeezebox' by The Who went over quite well.)  For some unknown reasons the girls did not seem to appreciate my campaign booster.  (Even though I was raising money to fight breast cancer at the time as well as gain the popular vote.)  I raised a few bucks but the slogan I had, which Ashley suggested by the way, 'Sheldon Hitler loves your funbags' really did not go over at all.
     (Well at least they know my name)
     Also, Now that Katy Titmouse is out of the race my main competition is 'Bok-Choy' McGee.  (No, he's not asian)(Remember that old song by The Vapours?  That pretty much says it all.)
     October 1, 2007
     With two days to the election 'Bok-Choy' McGee makes a small error. (And helps me in gaining ground)
     You see at lunch our cafeteria was holding a Mexican food fest, "Smells like fajitas, tastes like chicken."
     Anyway, 'Bok-Choy's chicken wasn't cooked properly and after a short race with the Devil he made it safely to the boy's room.  As he was doing his business he feet began flail and certain members of football team took it as a cue to bring it on.
     Which they did.
     Coach denies the allegations but nonetheless the scandal was enough to disqualify 'Bok-Choy'. 
     With my primary competition out of the way, things are looking good.
     October 2, 2007
     Okay, here we are on the eve of the student Council elections and with my primary competition out of the running it's looking pretty good.
     (I've gotten involved in everything so far to promote my campaign.)
     Also...  Ashley put out...  A poster with the slogan 'Say HI to Hitler!' and that got some attention.
     Other students seem to think I can win this too. (The school paper had the headline 'Hitler expected to dominate the polls'.)(Witty, NON?)
     Along with all of that, Ashley and I are working on the concept for a new anime cartoon about an unemployed hero with Shao-Lin training.  We are calling it "Ninja Bum"  and we already have a theme song.
     You think you don't have a care,
         You think that No-One is there,
     Then in a silent flash and no time,
     He's in your face, begging for a dime...
     October 3, 2007
     What a crappy day.  Only about a dozen students voted in the Student Council elections. (And all of them were nerds)  End result?  They ALL voted Colin Philips as Student Council President and did not vote anyone else for anything.  Now, for the first time in our school's history, Colin gets to appoint his cabinet.(Guess what I got)
      Secretary of Student Affairs.  Yeah, talk about sick, I'm now a glorified Ombudsman.  I get to listen to complaints all day. (It's High School, there's plenty to complain about.)
     So, for our first order of business, the creation of the first Student Council event.  This month? Spock-toberfest, A three day Star-Trek convention. (This did not over too well)
      Other students wanted their special interest groups represented and came to me ideas like:
      Jock-toberfest, Gloc-toberfest, Knock-Knock-toberfest (Don't ask), Bach-toberfest, Mock-toberfest and last but not least, Iraq-toberfest. (You can see why they were all rejected)
       Politics?  Why???
     October 4, 2007
     Well, as our school paper put it, 'Spock-toberfest deemed illogical'.  First of all, we could not afford to pay Leonard Nimoy to do a guest appearance (The best we could afford was expendable crew member 5 and he jammed out on us by saying, 'I'm old, get lost.')
     Also, the football team (Who wanted Jock-toberfest) stole all the toilet paper from the washrooms and Colin Philips used the facilities and could not finish the paperwork, he stained his stretch-pants and ruined them forever. (You could say the 'Klingons' won this one, non?)
          October 16 2007
     Miss me?  I've been realllyy busy with everything (on top of everyday stuff I now have to write articles for our school paper 'The Daily Movement')(Yep, it's exactly what it sounds like)
     My first story for The Daily Movement involved our new foreign exchange students from England, Sonya and Larry Black.  My original Headline 'Our High School Welcomes Blacks' was shot down by our editor. (Drat)


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